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Relationships Contracts – Everything You Need To Know About Successful Relationship Structure

What Are Relationships?

 

 

 

 

Relationships all begin for the same basic reason.  We have someone who we find agreeable enough that we find ourselves in accord with them on a number of things, and so we think to ourselves, “I like this person, I would like to sign up to spend more time with them.”  Sociologically speaking a relationship is simply a social construct in which two people are continuing to interact over a prolonged period of time. In other words, they continue to sign up to interact over time, and their mutual agreement to do so forms the basis of their relationship, and their series of interactions, forms their relationship itself.  Likewise relationships all end for the same basic reason.  People think to themselves “This isn’t’ what I signed up for, I do not agree to this.”  It may not be those exact words verbatim, but it will be some version of that, such as “I am not ok with this”, or “this doesn’t work for me”, or “I do not like this or want this anymore”, or “I did not know it was going to end up being like this, this isn’t what I wanted.”  But whatever the cause they either do not find the person/situation/relationship agreeable anymore, and/or did not know that it was going to be like this and that this is what they had inadvertently agreed to when they signed up for their relationship (which they would not have agreed to if they had known and wish they had known sooner).  So they exit their arrangement.

 

That is what a relationship is.  It is a social agreement, a verbal contract.  Something that you commit to and sign up for, with some sort of mutual understanding between the two of you that you are going to maintain this arrangement and things are going to be a certain way between you two.  However as the relationship ages and undergoes different situations and circumstances, different things come into play.  The relationship may have started out with a certain basic agreement, but that basic agreement will not have taken into consideration everything that could possibly come into play over the course of the time you are going to be together.  These things cause complications, because the partners never discussed them and what the agreement is supposed to be about them, and they may feel different ways about them.


I had no idea that he would be looking at other women or paying so much attention to them at social gatherings, a woman might think.  I always thought we would talk about who to vote for in elections and vote the same and that she wouldn’t be in an opposing political party, he might think.   I had no idea that sometimes he would lose his temper so badly, she might think.   I had no idea that she would be so closed minded about trying new things in the bedroom and we would be stuck having sex the same way for our whole life, he might think. I had no idea that he would be spending so much time with his friends, I thought that I would be his best friend, she might think.  I had no idea that she would have girls nights out and be getting hit on by other guys and I’d have no way of knowing if she fooled around or not, he might think.  I had no idea that she was so undomesticated and wouldn’t want to learn how to cook or clean and that I would end up having to do it most of the time, he might think.  I had no idea that he would end up working so much and be so preoccupied with his job, and not even give me much spending money to keep me occupied, she might think.  I had no idea relationships were going to require me to work on these issues, both parties might think.   I had no idea that the initial passion was going to fade and that I was not always going to feel as in love with them and instead would feel this way, both parties are definitely going to think at times.  If only the partners had somehow forseen these possibilities and complications and spoken about them sooner so that they could have come to some sort of agreement and arrangement in their relationship that would allow for them to deal with them when they came up.  But in the cases of almost any ended relationship, they hadn’t.

 

This list of common things that can come up in a relationship goes on and on.  These are just general ones.  There’s lots of little issues that can come up that couples never would have thought of when making their commitments to each other that formulated their relationship contract or agreement.  And the problem is that it is usually so simple and generic.  That it mainly has to do with being committed to each other sexually, and committed to having a future together, and maybe a few details are thrown in there surrounding those two, but that’s about it, and it is vague at best.  All of the infinite number of possibilities and the myriad of aspects of a relationship dynamic in all of its complexities are never discussed until they come up.  And then when they do arise, it is not too long before someone says to themselves, well I had no idea that it was going to be like this…this is NOT what I signed up for.  They feel as though the unwritten and unspoken terms and conditions of their relationship (or what they imagined it should be) have been violated.  And the relationship ends.  Because to them, this issue is a violation of some unspoken rule of the relationship contract they thought they were signing non-verbally when they agreed to enter into this commitment.  And the other person did not have any such rule in the contract they though they were entering into.  The terms and conditions were not clear enough to both parties involved.

 

Even in marriage, in which the commitments are supposed to be much more clear, and you are making actual vows that are being verbally promised and thus agreed to, and there is an actual legal contract that you sign, the vows that formulate the social agreement and relationship contract are still not specific enough.  For instance: “I vow to love you in sickness and in health” does not tell the person how they can expect you to react to them getting sick and if you are going to be taking care of them or not.   And: “I vow to love you for richer or poorer” does not indicate what your financial and professional arrangement is going to be and how one would react to the other losing their job and how you two would face hard financial times together.  And so health problems, and financial problems, often devastate marriages because there are no agreements or arrangements or plans in place surrounding those two things.  And they are things that everyone go through at times in life, and they put an incredible strain on a relationship, a strain which is much worse and can be difficult for it to bear if the partners have not arranged and agreed upon specific roles and relationship plans and protocols for such occurrence.   A relationship that is not structured well enough is not going to be able to undergo this kind of strain without breaking.

 

And this is just for marriages.  And of course we all know that most marriages these days are failing, probably due to not having made the proper arrangements for all of the variables that come into play in a relationship over the course of time.  But most people in relationships are not getting married these days.  And a committed relationship before marriage is going to be much more vague in its agreements than that, and thus more prone to end before even getting to the point of marriage.  And that is a relationship in which serious commitments have been made, which of course many people do not get to because they have too casual an attitude and are just casually dating and avoid making any kind of commitments or agreements with those they are dating because they like to keep it casual.  And if you want to keep it casual, that is fine.  And you certainly should when you are first seeing someone, because you can not be making commitments to someone who you do not know enough to depend upon the character of yet.

 

However if you have been dating someone for a half a year or more, you should feel that you know them enough to depend upon them.  And if you plan to continue to invest your time in developing a relationship with them and see them as becoming a long term partner who you are getting ready to commit to, you will want to think about and discuss with them the types of agreements that are going to make up your relationship.  Otherwise sooner or later something is going to come up that takes you both by surprise, which one person will take issue with and feel as though it violates what they think ought to constitute their “relationship contract” and its terms and conditions.  That a committed relationship should not have X or Y happening in it.  And instead of having this happen after having a relationship with someone for a year or two, and then having it end, and then going back to dating, and having the same thing happen in another relationship, and another, again and again and again…why not just discuss these things ahead of time and make sure you both are agreeing to the same thing?

 

Relationships have complex dynamics.  And the longer you spend together the more variables are at play.  It is important if you want a long term lasting relationship that you discuss exactly what constitutes this relationship and what you are agreeing to.  Especially if you are planning a future together, you need to consider this like a formal relationship contract.  That way both parties know exactly what to expect from each other, what they are signing up for, what each partners role in the relationship dynamic is, how different aspects of life and variables that come into play will be dealt with, and how both partners are going to work together to manage the relationship and grow it over time to ensure its success rather than its decay.   There need to be clear terms and conditions that make the relationship dynamic what it is and give it solid structure otherwise it won’t be able to sustain itself.  And in this document we are going to discuss different aspects and dynamics of relationship structure, and the different levels of relationship contracts, which I am going to do from both a social science standpoint, and also a personal one based upon my own data that I have collected based upon my experiences with relationships as someone who is a sociological thinker, a spiritual person who has done a lot of thinking about the concept of marriage, and also someone who is involved in the world of BDSM which has its own unique and complex system for relationships, and special relationship contracts.  And that is where I learned just how important relationship contracts are, because in order for a relationship to be sustainable it needs to have solid structure, terms and conditions.

 

We have traditionally seen a basic version of this in Marriage contracts and vows, which are certainly on the right track about this, but their vows are vague and aren’t specific terms and conditions, and while their legal contracts are about specific terms and conditions they really only account for the monetary side of things, since that is what the legally binding portion of the contract is for.  And you do not need a legally binding contract for a committed relationship to work.  You simply need to lay out everything that you would agree to out on the table and make sure that both parties agree to the same things and make a conscious decision to sign up for this agreement before making their commitments to one another.  You will need to negotiate a lot of different aspects of the relationship dynamic itself, and then a lot of what if scenarios for future planning, to make sure your relationship is prepared to function under any circumstances.   In order to be successful the relationship needs to have a solid structure, which is built on a solid foundation of commitment, and both parties knowing exactly what they are committing themselves to and having all of the right agreements and terms and conditions in place.  And like any legal contract they should account for any potential possibilities and thus be air tight.

 

You need to set some ground rules, boundaries and limitations, protocols, formalities, plans & procedures to ensure that the relationship is solid and successful. And you need to get all of these terms and conditions in writing because otherwise just a couple months later you will certainly find yourself in an argument with the old “he said/she said” in which one partner remembers agreeing to one thing and the other remembers agreeing to something else.  This is why, even if you do not like the idea of thinking of a relationship as an actual contract because it is too business like and thus seems anti-romantic and lacking in sentimentality, it is an absolute must.  And there is no reason it cannot be romantic, sentimental or special either.  But rather, it does not have to seem like a sterile business contract.  It can in fact be very romantic, sentimental and special.  If this is a love relationship it should be.  And regardless of your connection it should be one of the most meaningful things in your relationship, not just sociologically speaking but emotionally as well, and even spiritually if you two have a spiritual connection.

 

The institution that has the best system for doing this is not actually traditional marriage contracts, but BDSM contracts.  Whether you are into BDSM or not, or how kinky you are, is not the issue here.  It doesn’t matter if you are a very sexually conservative type that does not like the idea of BDSM.  Because BDSM is not just about hardcore sex, and that is not what this is about.  This is about the types of relationships and relationship contracts that exist in the BDSM world, in which two people have relationships with very definitive roles, dynamics, agreements and structure between them, and how everyone else attempting to have relationships can benefit from how it is done there to ensure that theirs is successful.  For you see, in BDSM, two partners come together and negotiate ALL aspects of their relationship that will come into play in their relationship dynamic, and then when they come to an agreement about everything they write it out in a contract.   These contracts are very thorough and meant to cover all necessary details, but they are still actually also very poetic, and so they can also be as romantic as you like.   And I will give you an example of later on.  But first before you can even formulate a relationship contract that will give yours the structure it needs to succeed you need to negotiate with your prospective partner.

 

To negotiate a healthy, working, sustainable, successful and long lasting relationship, you need to have good communication skills.  If you do not, I would highly recommend reading a few good books or taking a class or two on communication.  You are simply not going to be able to have a good relationship without good communication.  But if you are ready, willing and able to communicate honestly, clearly and precisely, and about things that are not easy to communicate about, and your partner is as well, you are ready to negotiate the terms of your relationship.  However your partner must be ready willing and able to do so as well.  And thus they must also possess the capacity for good communication.  If not, they will also need to read some books and/or take some classes on it before you can have a good relationship with them.  But once you two are perfectly ready to begin the process of negotiation, I will now show you how it is done in BDSM.

 

In the world of BDSM I am a Dominant.  This simply means that I have a Dominant personality type and thus I enjoy being in control and taking charge of most any situation and being the leader of it, and taking most of the responsibility for most aspects of the situation.  This is basically the same role as the traditional patriarchal head of household, and in many ways is tied to this custom.  The converse personality type to that is a submissive, who is more passive and prefers to not be in control and to be subordinate to others in authority and enjoys being a follower and taking direction from others.  This is similar to the traditional female role of the housewife, and in many ways is influenced by this tradition.  Though a Dominant of course does not have to be a man, and a submissive does not have to be a woman.  But regardless of gender almost all people fall into one of those categories.  In rare cases they can switch between the two roles in different instances.  It is important to know which one of these you are, and which your partner is.

 

Relationships between one Dominant and one submissive partner are most complimentary and compatible in their contrasting roles and thus easiest to make work.  Relationships between two dominant or two submissive types are much more difficult to make work because of the fact that these roles are not complimentary to each other and not compatible.  For instance, I have two sets of biological grandparents.  One set was both Dominant personality types.  The other was a Dominant and submissive personality type.  Which of those two do you think stayed together for over 50 years now, and which of those do you think divorced after a short time?  It was the Dom/sub combination that has stayed together for the majority of a century now.  The two Dominant personalities found themselves in constant power struggles in which they were both trying to take charge of the situations they were in.  They clashed and thus divorced.  This could however have been avoided if they had the proper agreements to the terms and conditions in their relationship in place so that each could take turns switching back and forth between who was in charge, but they did not.  And it is simply going to be naturally easier for one Dominant person and one submissive person to make a relationship work because these roles are much more compatible due to who they complement each other.

 

Myself being a Dominant will describe to you the process of vetting submissive partners and negotiating relationship terms and conditions from my point of view as the Dom in a Dom/sub relationship dynamic.  If you are not a Dominant in BDSM, don’t worry, the same things will still apply to you, just in different terms.  If you are a patriarchal man it will be very similar terminology, you may just want to use the word “man” or “head of household”. However, you do not have to be a man in a Dominant role either.  The very same thing could be done as a submissive person, you would just have to switch the terms Dominant and submissive, and also swap out the term “serving” for “care giving”, and any other terms you wish to swap out, and you will also want to remove some if not all of the elements of authority that I would have as a Dom.  If you do not identify with either the term Dominant or submissive, you can swap those terms out for any other terms you want to, such as partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, mate, husband, wife, etc.  Anything sort of roles and terminology will work, the information that is being asked will essentially be the same for all of them.  For authenticity purposes I will be keeping my description of the process completely accurate and unedited so that you can see exactly how it is done for my formalized and highly technical purposes in BDSM, and then you can customize the process to your own relationship paradigm, which is something you would have to do no matter what language I was using.

 

 

 

Basic Communication & Vetting

 

 

 

My vetting and negotiation process for finding the right submissive girlfriend for myself consists of asking an elaborate series of questions and bringing up certain open ended conversation topics that are geared towards learning about the person as a potential partner and if they are suited for this kind of romantic relationship that I am looking for.  These questions and topics will not only test them to see if they would be a healthy and good partner, but will create the discussion and negotiation that will become the terms and conditions we will agree to and which will become the relationship contract and structure.  I cannot tell you exactly how to discuss these things or what more you will need to discuss regarding them more specifically, that is for you to do as part of your customization process.  Just make sure that you are communicating as honestly, clearly, precisely and thoroughly as possible, and going into as much detail as you possibly can, because any details you leave out are weak points in your relationship structure that can cause it to collapse.  But now without any further ado let us move on to the vetting and negotiation questions and topics.  These can be spoken or written.  But if they are spoken it is important to get some of them in writing anyways as you will eventually want to use the written agreements you come to in your contract.  And if you are creating any verbal agreements you will want to record those conversations so that none of the specifics can be forgotten.  These first wave of questions/topics are basics that can be brought up in your first conversations and on your first dates, and will tell you whether or not your prospect is healthy enough to be suited for a relationship, and if your basic values match up well enough for you two to get along, or if you might clash.

 

 

 

Basic Vetting Topics

 

 

  • What would you say are your five best qualities?

 

  • Tell me about your current lifestyle. What does your average daily life look like?

 

  • How serious are you about the BDSM lifestyle and being in it and a D/s relationship? How much do you want them?  How would you describe the level of involvement you wish to have in them?

 

  • Do you prefer being productive or being relaxed?

 

  • Do you enjoy being in service to others? Would you describe yourself as a helpful and giving person?

 

  • What kinds of things do you like to learn about?

 

  • What is your presence like on social media and dating apps? How much time do you spend on them each day?  Do you keep your phone notifications on for all apps?

 

  • What is your policy on using your phone when you are in a meeting or on a date?

 

  • When someone does something you disagree with or do not like, or even find a bit offensive because it goes against your values, how do you react to it?

 

  • How would your friends describe you? Would they describe you as a helpful and giving person?

 

  • What is your support system like? (Friends, family, therapist, social or interest or religious or political groups, etc.)

 

  • How would you describe your personal style (fashion, clothes, hair, body modifications, etc), and how much/what control over it are you willing to give your Dom?

 

  • What is your code of honor? Do you believe that the s-type doesn’t need one? If you have one, do you follow it firmly or do you have trouble? What do you do when you slip?

 

  • How honest and transparent are you generally speaking with romantic partners? How transparent, open, honest and revealing do you wish to be with your Dom?  What level of privacy would you like to have in your relationship when it comes to sharing personal details about yourself?  If your Dom asked you a question that you did not want to give the honest answer to, how would you respond?  If you have any secrets you must keep, such as confidential conversations you have with friends, which may at times be about your Dom (when a friend says something negative about your Dom, or tells you something and instructs you not to tell your Dom), and he asked about them, how would you deal with that?  How do you feel about things such as covering up details, half truths, white lies or bending the truth a little just to aid with discretion and privacy?  What if such things were done not for sake of discretion but for sake of argument?  Do you think it should be acceptable to tell an outright lie to your partner in order to cover up something that you wished to keep private for good reason?  Do you consider it acceptable to tell outright lies for any other purposes?   Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • When you give your word to someone (tell them that something is the case, or tell them that you are going to do something) how reliable is your word, what percentage of the time do you keep it and how prone are you to “changing your mind” and going back on your word and acting differently than you have said you were going to? When you discover that something you have told your partner to be true is not actually true, or you have given them your word about something and have changed your mind and decided to act differently, how often will you tell them?  In what ways do you expect trust to be earned from you by your Dom, and in what ways are you willing to earn it yourself from your Dom?  Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • Would people consider you a reliable person? When you say you will do something, how often do you do it and how often do you fail to come through? What is the usual culprit? Forgetfulness? Over commitment? Shifting priorities? Fear? Inconsideration? Distraction? Lack of attention span? Overestimating abilities?

 

  • How do you take responsibility for your actions, your decisions, and any problems you may have in life? Give examples. What areas of life are difficult for you to take responsibility in?

 

  • What was it like for you growing up? What was your relationship with your parents like?

 

  • What culture(s) do you identify with? What ideologies and customs does that cause you to subscribe to?  How would that affect your relationship with someone who is not of those same cultures and thus does not subscribe to those ideologies or practice those customs?  What of your ideals would you like your Dom to consider and what customs would you like your Dom to participate in with you?

 

  • What political party do you belong to? How do your political views affect their assumptions and priorities in a power dynamic?  How would you generally respond when your Dom expresses a different political view or value, and how do you go about debating politics?  Are there any issues, causes or positions that your Dom absolutely must agree with in order for you to get along with him?  Would you be willing to allow your Dom to influence your political views?  If your Dom asked you to help him join a cause that was important to him but not to you, would you do it?  If your Dom wanted the authority to be able to ask you to change political causes, parties, or instruct you on how to vote, would you be willing to give that to him?

 

  • Are you spiritual or religious, both, or neither? What is your religion if any?  Are you looking to cultivate a spiritual connection and relationship with your Dom?  Do you have spiritual practices you would like to conduct with your Dom?  What if your Dom had spiritual practices he wished you to conduct with him?  What if your Dom wished to be a spiritual influence over your beliefs, or wanted you to convert to his religion?

 

  • Are you on birth control or any form of Contraception or would you need the Dom to use it himself?

 

  • Do you have any children? If so how will they affect your relationship with your Dom?

 

  • How sure are you that you know what you want? How often does what you want change?

 

 

These questions will give you an idea of what kind of person they are and some of their key personality traits that will affect you in a relationship.  It will also give you an idea of whether or not you two may be well suited for a relationship, or if you might clash.  This process is not an exact science, so there are no answers that should be given to know that someone is perfect for you, and just because someone gave an answer to a question that you do not like doesn’t mean they won’t be.  And it also doesn’t mean that someone can’t give all the right responses only to end up being totally wrong for you.  Because there are manipulative people out there who will just tell you what they think you want to hear in order to get close to you and to use you for their purposes, so that can and will happen if you aren’t careful in looking out for those red flags.  What you are trying to do here is to get a general sense of the person.  And to look for patterns that would indicate definitive personality traits.  For instance, just because someone said that they like being relaxed more than productive isn’t reason to disqualify them.  But the answers to all of these questions should be looked at closely to see what sense you can get about someone and their overarching traits that are being revealed here.  You could look at their answer to this question along with a few other like it as an indication that someone is not responsible or disciplined, which means they wouldn’t be well suited for a relationship of this kind.  So even if they seem perfect in every other way, that is a big red flag that shouldn’t be ignored because it means that they probably aren’t good relationship material as you will most likely spend most of your relationship with them constantly getting after them just to try to get them to fulfill their relationship obligations to you.  You should start disqualifying people when you notice such patterns in your vetting that would indicate definite red flag traits that show you that someone is not going to be a healthy partner for you.  Someone being healthy relationship material is the most fundamental and important thing to look for first and foremost above all else (yes, including things you may rather be looking at first, like how attractive they are, their job and monetary status, shared interests and things that might make them fun to be around, etc).

Here is a list of some disqualifiers that would indicate someone is not capable of a healthy relationship and that you should move on to other prospects:

 

General Disqualifiers:

 

  • Emotional unavailability
  • Situational unavailability
  • Flakiness
  • Commitment issues
  • Intimacy issues
  • Inability or unwillingness to communicate
  • Flip flopping (changing one’s mind back and forth a lot)
  • Lack of responsibility or discipline
  • A disagreeable or defiant disposition
  • High (unrealistic) expectations
  • Lack of self control
  • Emotional instability or moodiness
  • Serious mental health problems
  • Certain types of physical health problems

 

While these are good general rules is also of course important for you to know what you want more specifically in a relationship, and also what specifically you will not tolerate.  So it is good to write out lists of both specific qualifications and disqualifications for your potential mates.  These lists should not be vague but should be specific, however not so specific that meeting someone who fits into them would be exceptionally rare.  You also do not want to get carried away with your list writing.  You are searching for a human being who is capable of healthy intimacy, not creating a million dollar love robot to live our your fairy tale fantasy with.  And when you are first dating someone your list of qualifications and disqualifications should be easy enough to discuss with them up front.  So if you have an intimidatingly long list of exceptionally high standards and expectations and you would seem intimidating or even crazy for talking about it up front with someone, then that list is a problem, and is probably the reason why you are single. These things should be important and easy enough to bring up questions about from the get go. Such as asking someone if they have any STD’s or other health problems.  Not exactly a comfortable thing to ask, but easy and important enough that you should be doing it, sooner rather than later.

So for example, here is a list of my qualifications and disqualifications for subs that I actually put right up on my fetlife profile for them to see before even contacting me.

 

General Qualifications:

 

-Be STD free
-Be physically and mentally healthy and fit for a relationship
-Be polite, and capable of clear communication and meaningful conversation
-Know what you want and be able to communicate about it & negotiate consent
-Be emotionally available and capable of healthy intimacy
-Have healthy relationship skills both in and out of D/s dynamics
-Be able to provide service, not just sexually, but domestically and in any other tasks I may need assistance with
-Be sexually skilled In pleasure giving, do not just be a pleasure taker
-Be service oriented and at least equally giving of service as you are receiving of dominant care
-Be at least somewhat well educated in BDSM (this could just be having done a lot of internet research)
-Be at least somewhat experienced in BDSM play and relationships
-Be willing and able to surrender and devote yourself to a Dominant fully and completely
-Be willing and able to receive and dedicate yourself to instruction and training
-Be willing and able to correct and modify behaviors as necessary
-Be able to cook, clean, keep a schedule, and manage your affairs (not need me to be your actual father)

 

Dis-qualifiers:

 

-Being bratty, rude, rebellious or defiant by default
-Not asking my consent or respecting my preferences
-Prone to flip flopping and going back on your word, agreements, commitments and social contracts
-Dishonesty or being disingenuous in any way
-Disrespect, offensiveness or impoliteness of any kind
-Personality disorders or any form of Narcissistic or Anti-Social tendencies
-Misandry, Feminism or Gynocentrism
-Selfishness or Egotism
-Being a “sugar baby” or needing financing of any kind
-Being addicted to or frequently abusing drugs or alcohol (doing so on special occasions is ok)
-Being addicted to your phone and a social media validation junky
-Being in a relationship that you are trying to cheat on

 

Notice how fundamental this list seems.  It wouldn’t be unreasonable to inquire about these things.  The only complication is that some of these things might be hard to formulate into questions.  And so there is some customizing that needs to be done here. As you formulate your specific qualifications list, the most specific the qualification the more odd it would be to pose it as a question, and also the more negative the trait you are testing for, the worse it sounds when posed as a question.  So you will need to find special ways of working these things into conversation, or testing for those qualities, or just use your sense of social awareness as you are connecting with this partner and observe if they have these traits or not.  Because as I said before, if you are posing a specific question sometimes there will seem to be a right or wrong answer and people who want to be with you may just give what seems to be the right answer.  Such as asking someone if they consider themselves selfish or egotistical.  Obviously most people are going to say no, even if they really are, because it would not be flattering themselves to admit such a thing.  So even if you are asking the right questions and they are giving the right answers you will still need to observe their behaviors to see if they are congruent with their words.  Most people may claim to not be selfish, but after a few in depth conversations with them you will be getting a better sense about this based on how much they have talked about themselves and in what ways.  For instance one big thing that I notice a lot is people who claim to be good relationship material but who only talk about what they want to get from a partner/partnership, and not what they have to offer one and what makes them good relationship material.  That is a good indication of selfishness and that this person is a taker not a giver, and it won’t be a partnership so much as an exploitation.  And that sort of thing happens frequently.  So even if someone gives you the answers you want to hear you should still monitor their behavior for other cues and red flags.

 

And speaking of what people want to get out of and give to a relationship, that is something that should also be discussed up front.  And as I said, when someone has a long list of things that they want to get out of a relationship, but doesn’t have much of a list of what they can contribute, that is a sign that you should run because this won’t be a mutual partnership.  I believe that it is important to offer more than you ask for.  If you are pairing yourself with another giver, the relationship shouldn’t have to be transactional and tit for tat (you did this for me so I will do this for you). When two partners who enjoy giving are together they should be able to fufill each others needs without keeping score.  And you won’t have to worry about your list of wants/needs not being fulfilled if it is not exhaustive, and you have found a partner who is a giver, rather than a taker.  Also, if you are offering more than you are asking, that gives your other partner room to fill the space you create with them to offer you their own unique set of traits and tendencies, which you may have never even knew you would want.  So make sure you are giving them space to meet you in the middle and not just making a lot of demands upon them.  Focus on communicating what you can offer a partner and then ask them what they have to offer you.  If you have a lot to offer, and they do not have much, it is not a good match.  Here is a list of the qualities that I have to offer my subs:

 

What I have to offer as a Dom:

 

-Safety
-Leadership and guidance
-Courtship Rituals
-Care giving
-Emotional support and coaching
-Mentoring, teaching and training in not only BDSM and Sexuality but Self Discovery & Actualization, Identity Building & empowerment as your true authentic submissive female self, & other success skills
-Your fantasies and fetishes fulfilled (with the exception of scat play)
-Sensual & orgasmic pleasures (as much as you can earn, or handle)
-As much pain as you want, and no more than that
-As much control and ownership you will allow me to have over you
-Healthy relationship skills
-Clear communication
-Commitment and follow through on anything I say I will do
-D/s Relationship Structure & Rules
-Contract Creation
-Collaring Ceremonies
-Corrections as necessary through the use of proper punishments
-All of the other necessary BDSM formalities for an official D/s relationship

My Practical Skills & Capabilities in BDSM Play:

 

-Flogging
-Whipping
-Caning
-Several other forms of Impact Play
-Sensual Play
-Cunnilingus
-Vaginal Massage
-Anal Play
-Full Body Massage
-Erotic Hypnosis & Orgasmic Mind Control
-Orgasm Training
-Daddy Dom Role Play
-Rough Hardcore Sex
-S&M Sessions
-The Recording & Production of Erotic Artwork
-Aftercare

 

So now that this is all out there I will simply ask any prospective partners if they have read through my qualifiers and disqualifiers on my fetlife profile. And then on top of that I will ask them to share with me what else they have to offer a Dom, and I have an extremely short list of sexual play preferences that I enjoy in a partner, which are not at all deal breakers, but just things I like, that they will see too so that they know what I am looking for and find fulfilling in a sex partner, which is also very important and fundamental in any romantic relationship:

 

Some Practical Play Skills I Would Like In a sub:

 

-Fellatio, Penis Massage & Cock Worship
-Sensual Play
-Back massage (or full body is even better)
-Male G-spot Massage
-“Little Girl” Role Play
-Slave Role Play
-Masochism

 

So notice how I am offering up front more than I am asking for, and I am not making a list of demands either.  I’m simply creating parameters for a safe space for a healthy relationship to grow in.  And that is what you should be using this information for yourself.  This is not about creating impossibly high standards that only a fairy tale prince or princess could meet and will take you 50-100 years to find someone who fits into.  This about creating a set of guidelines that will guide you and someone else into a healthy and successful relationship.   By now you may have noticed how none of these vetting topics have to do with basic shared interests about recreation and hobbies, not because those are not important, but because they are usually a given as part of your social conversations, and while they may be important parts of how you pass the time with someone you are dating, they actually do not help to constitute the relationship structure in an architectural sense, they are more of a time filler to keep you two entertained together when you are not engaged in any serious relationship activities (which they are not).  These are not things that make or break a relationship, and thus they do not need to be vetted for, or negotiated.  All of these topics however should be, and when vetting for these types of things they all will be able to lead to relationship negotiation conversations.  And now that I have taught you the basics of vetting, I am going to be getting more into the negotiation side of things.

 

And this leads me to perhaps the greatest example of a serious relationship activity that needs to be negotiated about, which is sex.  Which it is, even though it can also be done casually, and even having casual sex with someone can lead to a serious relationship, because having sex with someone is its own form of social contract, one that is serious even when you might not think of it.  Case in point, you may have casual sex with someone only to later be brought up on sexual assault charges because you did something with them without asking their consent first.  So even when you do not think it is serious, it is, or at least has the potential to be.  And that brings me to the next topic we are going to discuss that you will need to communicate about with your potential partner, which is sexual consent.

 

 

Sexual Consent

 

 

After you have gotten to know the basics about someone and are now dating them and probably starting to get physical with them, the next most important topic in negotiation and thing that you must agree upon is what you both consent to sexually.  This is important to do next before discussing anything else or negotiating any other aspect of the relationship because unless you are living in the ancient past or in Islamic culture, the sexual part of your relationship is already well under development before you begin discussing commitment.  Most people these days become physical in some ways soon after meeting or having their first date, and begin the sexual part of their relationship soon after that, and their sexual relationship develops for months before they begin discussing commitment.  And if you are going to explore your sexuality with someone it is important that it not be done casually and without proper communication or consent.  So regardless of your current relationship status or dynamic, before you go any further on your journey of sexual exploration together, it is important that you communicate about your sexual likes and dislikes, and your wants and don’t wants, and see what you both consent to and where your consent overlaps and you are in agreement.

 

The following is a list of over 130 different possible acts that one might wish to engage in during sexual play.  What you need to do is print two copies of this list and each of you go through this list of sex acts and indicate your likes/interests and dislikes/disinterests as well as the ones that you are unsure about and would like to try in an introductory manner, by writing a L next to the ones you like or are definitely interested in, a D next to the ones you dislike or are definitely disinterested in, and a T next to the ones you are unsure about and wish to try.  And then you can discuss your lists and see where your consent lines up and you are in sexual agreement and you can either write one consent contract based upon the center of that Venn Diagram which you print out two copies of and sign for one another, or you can simply sign each of your lists and hand them to one another.

 

However you work it just make sure that both parties have a copy, and that all pages are signed by the pertinent party as well.  As a female it is important for you to make sure that your partner has a copy of your consent list so that they never do anything to violate you sexually, either intentionally or unintentionally.  It is also important that you know that a mans consent does also count and that you get his list from him.  As a man, it is important of course to respect a woman’s consent and never do anything to violate it by getting her consent sheet from her.  When I was younger and did not know about the importance of consent sheets and was just starting to experiment with BDSM I would have girls come to me and tell me to do whatever I wanted with them, and when I would try to talk about what they consented to they would tell me they didn’t want me to ask for consent, they just wanted me to force myself on them, that was their fantasy.  So I would do so, and there would always eventually be some sex act that would trigger them feeling violated.  And it wouldn’t usually be anything I would think would cause that.  Like with one girl who reacted traumatically when I licked her vagina.  You might think you know what a girl wants, but unless consent is expressed specifically and enthusiastically, you really don’t, if she is being vague at best and does not want to communicate about consent, beware because you are falling into a trap.

 

Having a consent sheet will ensure that you don’t accidentally violate a woman, which if you are having enough sex with women without communicating about sex, it is only a matter of time before you do so, even if you do not mean to.  And ladies even if you do not enjoy talking about consent because you feel that it makes sex feel like a business transaction, or perhaps you want him to just “take you” because that is what you have been fantasizing about or reading in the literotica novels and like the way it will make you feel so desired and so dominated…it is a very bad idea to put yourself in those situations.  My last submissive first lost her virginity to a man who claimed to be a Dominant but really wasn’t one (in that he didn’t even have basic education or training in such things as safety and consent) and didn’t even ask her for consent before he took her virginity, and then tied her up and fucked her in the ass, because the nature of their conversation was so naïve that he was made to think that he could just do what he wanted to her, when in actuality he was raping her and traumatized her for life.  So the consent sheet will help to ensure that not only does the man know exactly what he can and can not do with the woman without a doubt.  However it also has a second benefit in that it will give him a defense in the case of any false rape accusations, which have become a disturbing trend among women these days who may actually be cheating on you with another guy who may just find out about your arrangement and then she will claim it was rape.

 

But it is also important as a man that you fill out your own consent sheet and give it to her and make sure that she knows that your consent counts as well, as women tend to think that men’s consent does not count and that they can simply do anything they want to them without even asking.  And regardless of how sexy that may sound to you in fantasy, believe me when I tell you that in real life there are many things you would not want a woman to do to you.  I know, because I have had extremely sexy women who I had wanted to have sex with for a long time take me to bed only to start assaulting me once we were getting sexual.  One of them starting hitting me wildly and tore one of my piercings which was in a very sensitive area while doing so, another actually started playing out a rape fantasy in which shew as raping me.  Both of these incidences were somewhere between excruciatingly uncomfortable and mildly traumatic.   So as you can see, sexual violations, assault and trauma can and will happen to either gender, and will especially happen when you least expect it and think that you are actually engaging in consensual sex, if consent has not been communicated about enough, or expressed clearly, specifically and enthusiastically or put into writing.  And these things are of the utmost importance to make sure that your boundary lines do not get blurred and you do not end up getting traumatized, or up on sexual assault charges.  Both of which are two of the worst case scenarios you can be in in life.   Which is unfortunate because when it is consensual, sexual exploration and experimentation is one of the most beautiful and pleasurable experiences one can have in life.  But it is quite ironic that conversely when it is not completely consensual it is one of the worst.  And it is up to both of you to make sure that you stay on the right side of that line where everything is beautiful and can give you the best pleasure of your life.

 

Now for those out there who have no interest in the full spectrum of BDSM activities and do not consider themselves kinky at all, this list may feel exhaustively and superfluously long, and even a bit overwhelming.  And I get that, but this is how your journey of sexual exploration and experimentation must start, with your full list of options that are available to you to choose from.  Think of it as exciting, like reading a menu at a new restaurant, one where you get to build your own meals by choosing from all of the ingredients that you want, of which it has an abundance.  And having an abundance of options is a great thing isn’t it?  Besides, it is certainly better to have these options available for you to say no to than not being asked about them at all.  And if you are perhaps a traditional conservative type of person who is looking for marriage, consider that in order for a monogamous marriage to last a long time, you need to keep your sex life alive long term.  And the only way to do that is by making sure you and your partner do not fall into monotonous routines and get bored and lose interest in making love to each other, which is a huge part of why most people get divorced.  You need to ensure that your sexual partnership is going to be not only sustainable but growth oriented.  So you need to think long term, which means you need to find ways to make your sex life progressive over the long term.  The key here is novelty.  You need to have a list of options for things you can try in the bedroom when you begin to tire of your same old bedtime routines.

 

When thinking long term it is great to have what I like to call a “sexual bucket list” – a list of things for you and your partner to try sexually before you die (which you will ideally do while still married, because this list will have kept your sex life alive and thus kept you connected and intimate).  It is great for you to always have some options to fall back upon anytime you need to spice things up and rekindle your chemistry and passion for each other, because after about 2 years or so (sometimes less sometimes more), the honeymoon phase is over and that chemistry and passion that you once had so naturally is not going to be there naturally anymore, and in order to keep it alive it will require more and more conscious effort on your part in the bedroom.  And if you let that die, the intimacy that you have will soon go with it.  So it is so important to try to keep things novel and progressive in the bedroom when in a long term partnership or marriage.

 

Now if you are someone who isn’t that kinky and generally has simple sexual needs, and isn’t sure what to make of all of these options, and aren’t really sure what you would like or dislike of the ones you have never tried, and if you really want to try them or not, that is ok, it is safe to say that you MIGHT want to try something, and that does not mean that you MUST try it, you will of course wait until you are in the mood to do so, but it is good for your partner to know that you are at least open to it. And what is also great to do for the long term consideration is to expand upon the “Try” category and separate them into three sub categories, which you can do on separate pieces of paper.  What you want to do is think in terms of timelines and probability.  So you will separate out the things you want to try into things of the 1st priority, which are things that are you are certain you want to try and would like to do so soonest, which would generally be because they are the lightest and least intimidating and most exciting for you to think about.  And then the 2nd priority, which are things you are moderately interested in trying but want to hold off a little while on because they are more on the kinky and adventurous side and you might find them a little intimidating (which can be part of what makes them exciting to do in the future, just not anytime soon, maybe a few years in the future).  And then the 3rd priority, which are the things that are most advanced and hardcore, that you are not entirely sure if you are interested in or not but think that you might be some day, just no time soon because they do seem a little bit scary to you to think about now, so you will save those for a rainy day perhaps decades in the future after your sexual relationship has progressed and grown quite a bit and you two are then seasoned veterans who are very comfortable with your sexuality).

 

You may also wish to divide your dislikes into sub categories, of “Soft Limits” and “Hard Limits”, soft limits being things that you will do to a certain point (perhaps if not done to hard or rough or long) just to please your partner, but which you do not want taken too far, and hard limits meaning things that you would never do and should never be done with you.  These can be indicated by writing “SL” and “HL” next to them instead of a D for dislike.  And so now without any further ado, here is the list of possible sex acts that you can consent to.  Please note that these are all potential sex acts that two consenting adults can possibly consent to that I was able to come up with, and if you are a sexually conservative person there are some on here that may be a bit daunting or even shocking to think about, and you will just have to bear with it.  Just keep in mind that there is nothing wrong that is done between two consenting adults, and it is important to have a sex positive attitude (which means being accepting of others preferences even if they do not match yours, as opposed to a sexually shaming one towards anyone who does something you might have an aversion to), otherwise your potential partner will not feel comfortable with discussing their sexual preferences with you for fear of them being shamed by sharing a kinky interest or fantasy.  However if you can keep a sex positive attitude you will create a sexual safe space for you and your partner to have a clear communication about consent in and that will form the foundation of what can become a very healthy and growth oriented sexual partnership.  And that is a very beautiful and fulfilling thing.   So keeping that in mind, you may now go ahead and begin the process of sexual exploration.

 

The Sexual Consent List

  1. Age Play:
  2. Anal sex:
  3. Anal plugs (indicate small or large):
  4. Anal plugs worn in public, under clothes:
  5. Animal roles:
  6. Asphyxiation:
  7. Analingus (giving):
  8. Analingus (receiving):
  9. Bathroom use control:
  10. Beating (soft):
  11. Beating (hard):
  12. Blindfolds:
  13. Being bitten (soft):
  14. Being bitten (hard):
  15. Being Branded or Tattooed:
  16. Blood Drinking:
  17. Breath control:
  18. Bondage (light):
  19. Bondage (heavy):
  20. Cages/Cells/Closets (locked inside of):
  21. Caning:
  22. Cervical Stimulation:
  23. Chains:
  24. Chastity belts:
  25. Choking (light):
  26. Choking (Hard):
  27. Clitoral Stimulation:
  28. Clitoris sucking:
  29. Clitoris nibbling:
  30. Collars (worn in private):
  31. Collars (worn in public):
  32. Costumes & Uniforms (wearing):
  33. Cuddling:
  34. Cuffs (worn in private):
  35. Cuffs (worn in public):
  36. Cunnilingus (receiving):
  37. Cunnilingus (giving):
  38. Daddy Dom/Little Girl Role Play:
  39. Diapers (wearing):
  40. Denied privacy:
  41. Dildos:
  42. Double Penetration (of Dildo & Penis):
  43. Electro play (receiving):
  44. Ejaculation in mouth:
  45. Ejaculation in Vagina:
  46. Ejaculation in Anus:
  47. Enemas (for cleansing):
  48. Erotic dance (for audience):
  49. Erotic dance (private):
  50. Erotic Hypnosis/Orgasmic Mind Control:
  51. Exhibitionism:
  52. Fellatio:
  53. Face slapping:
  54. Fantasy rape:
  55. Fear:
  56. Fingering in Vagina (Indicate number of fingers your Dom may go up to):
  57. Fingering in Anus (Indicate number of fingers your Dom may go up to):
  58. Fisting (vaginal):
  59. Fisting (Anal):
  60. Fire play:
  61. Flogging:
  62. Foot worship:
  63. Forced masturbation:
  64. Forced nudity (private):
  65. Forced nudity (around others):
  66. Forced servitude:
  67. Gags:
  68. Golden showers:
  69. Having hair played with:
  70. Hair pulling:
  71. Hand jobs (giving):
  72. Harnessing (leather and or rope):
  73. Hostage Scenes:
  74. Humiliation:
  75. Ice cubes:
  76. Immobilization:
  77. Incest Play:
  78. Kissing:
  79. Knife Play:
  80. Licking:
  81. Manhandling/Rough Play:
  82. Masochistic Scenes:
  83. Massage (giving):
  84. Massage (receiving):
  85. Modeling for erotic photos:
  86. Mommy Domme/Little Boy Role Play:
  87. Multi-partners (indicate number you are willing to go up to):
  88. Multiple Orgasms:
  89. Nipple play (receiving):
  90. Nipple play (Giving):
  91. Nipple pinching and clamps :
  92. Nipple rings (piercing):
  93. Orgasm denial, control & training:
  94. Paddling:
  95. Pain (mild):
  96. Pain (severe) :
  97. Piercing:
  98. Primal Play:
  99. Psychedelic drug use during sex (indicate drugs):
  100. Punishment Scene:
  101. Riding Crop:
  102. Role playing:
  103. Romantic Love-Making:
  104. Scat (Defecation):
  105. Scratching (receiving):
  106. Sensory deprivation:
  107. Sensual/Sensation Play:
  108. Sex Games (list them):
  109. Sex Magick Rituals:
  110. Slave positions training:
  111. Spanking :
  112. Strap-on dildo receiving:
  113. Strap-on dildo giving:
  114. Squirting Orgasms:
  115. Swallowing semen:
  116. Switching D/s Roles:
  117. Tantric Energy Work/Massage:
  118. Tantric Sex:
  119. Tape Over Mouth:
  120. Throat Fucking:
  121. Tickling :
  122. Torture (Describe how):
  123. Vaginal/G-spot Massage:
  124. Vagina & Anal Stimulation (simultaneous with penis, fingers or vibrator):
  125. Verbal humiliation :
  126. Vibrator on genitals:
  127. Vibrator in Anus:
  128. Video recording of sex acts (private):
  129. Video recording of sex acts (for internet display):
  130. U-spot stimulation:
  131. Wax play:
  132. Whipping :
  133. Wrestling (nude/sexual):

 

 

 

Now if you find that you and your prospect don’t have much overlap here on your venn diagram, then you are not well suited as long term partners, and should probably just play casually for a short term, if at all.  But if you do match up well sexually in this consent list then that is great, and you will want to keep communicating to negotiate your sexual dynamic.  This means asking for more specific details about the things they like, and how exactly they like them.  Questions like “Ok so you like being whipped but how hard?  What if I draw blood?”  and “Ok so you like anal play, but not having a vibrator in your ass?  Why is that?  Ok well what if I bought a really small one and didn’t turn it up all the way at least at first?”  or “Ok so you like anal play, but not anal sex?  Does that mean there is never any chance of me being able to put my penis in your ass?  What if we worked up to that over time?  Would you be open to maybe trying that in the future if I went really slow?”  There are going to be a lot of details to go over and specific questions to ask like that.   You will need to get much more specific than the way things are simply listed here.

 

In getting more specific it is important to discuss any special fantasies that you and your partner have that you may want to play out together.  And you will also need to find out if they have any fetishes, which basically means things that are required for arousal and/or orgasm that they will always need to have present during sex.  For instance I as a man need to be touched in certain affectionate/sensual ways during sex, and if a woman stops using her hands actively in those ways, I will lose my erection.  This may be different for a man, but I know that it is not for a woman, and that most women require affectionate/sensual touch in order to become aroused and wet enough to have sex comfortably.  And I know that most women are not as quick or easy to make orgasm as men either, and that they have certain acts or forms of touching that they require in order to do so.  So it is important for both partners to know what fetishes they have that are required in order to become aroused enough to have good pleasurable sex, and to achieve orgasm so that it is fulfilling.  It is also important to know how to talk to each other sexually.  Both about sex (so that you can fulfill each others desires), and during sex too.  It is important for two partners who are in a serious long term relationships to be able to talk about and explore any fantasies that they may have together.  So make sure that you have a discussion about those and then negotiate how you two are going to meet each others sexual wants and needs so that you can have a fulfilling partnership.  And then this will form the sexual part of your relationship contract, after which you can move on to other structural guidelines, such as relationship rule and protocols.

 

 

 

Vetting & Negotiation

 

 

 

After you have gotten to know each other sexually enough that you know exactly what you both consent to and how you can play together, you are ready to begin to get to know each other on deeper levels.  This is when you really begin to vet your potential partner to see if they are the type who you could possibly commit to long term, and if so, begin negotiating the terms and conditions of such a commitment.  So get ready for a series of very serious and in depth conversations with your potential partner, which are probably not always going to be easy.  Now you are not just vetting, but going into negotiations about your potential relationship dynamic as well.  But as long as you are communicating well these conversations will be very constructive and rewarding, for if you are negotiating responsibly together these constructive conversations will begin to formulate the terms and conditions of your relationship that will in turn begin to create its structure.  Here is the list of conversation questions and topics for deeper vetting and negotiation.  And again, make sure that this conversation is either recorded, and/or that you are getting many of these answers (at least the important ones) in writing so that they can be used to formulate your formal relationship contract when you are ready to officially commit to each other.

 

 

  • Are you healthy now or do you have any health concerns or problems? How do you expect the rest of your life to go health wise?  Do you expect to live a long time and be healthy for most of that time, or for your health to decline steadily over time, or for it to decline rapidly and for you to spend most of your life unhealthy?   Is your health important to you?  Do you try to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle with proper exercise?  Would you be willing to make an effort to be healthier for your Dom in the case of a long term relationship?  Is attending exercise classes or doing couples workouts together something you might enjoy doing with your Dom?

 

  • How often do you use alcohol or other drugs?

 

  • Do you have any mental health problems? If so, how do these come into play in a relationship and how should the be dealt with?  Are you currently in or willing to enter into treatment for them and remain in it and even involve your Dom in it to ensure that your relationship will be healthy?

 

  • Are you comfortable with the full range of your emotions? Do you feel the need to hide or repress them? What, if any, emotions do you struggle with?

 

  • Do you have serious trust issues? Would these interfere with your ability to trust someone unless they go above and beyond to earn it?

 

  • What kind of relationship experience do you have both in and out of BDSM? What made them work well while they did, and what made them ultimately fail?

 

  • How would you describe yourself as a personal companion in a relationship, outside of the submissive/service/sexual aspects?

 

  • How good of a communicator are you? In what ways do you communicate?  Do you feel you are able to do so calmly, clearly, honestly, and precisely in order to exchange the information effectively without being vague or arguing?  Or are any of these things that you struggle with?

 

  • What other kinds of things are you able to do to help make a relationship successful?

 

  • How do you deal with boundaries? Both setting and having others set them?  How do you respond when someone tells you that you have crossed a line or violated one of their boundaries?

 

  • What is your attachment style? (You can find this out with a quick internet search), and how do you plan to ensure that your attachment with your Dom is healthy?

 

  • What kind of intimacy do you want and what would that look like to you? Are you affectionate?  Emotional?  Romantic?  Passionate?  Sensual?

 

  • Are you looking for romance or love with your Dom? If not, how do you want to be connected with your Dom in a way that is healthy for both partners and will not result in either of you falling in love?  If so, how important is love to you?  Would you stop seeing your Dom if you were not falling in love with him fast enough?  Would you stop seeing him at any point if you did not feel the same passionate love as you did when first falling in love?  What is your ideal of what you want that to be like?  What will you do to cultivate that with your Dom and sustain it, and to ensure it is healthy and real?

 

  • What is your love language? (You can find this out with an internet search)

 

  • How much and what kinds of emotional attention do you want/need from your Dom?

 

  • How much and what kinds of physical attention do you want/need from your Dom?

 

  • What other expectations do you have for a man who is your Dominant?

 

  • Where did you learn about your desired role? Fiction? Pornography? Have you read anything non-fiction by experienced individuals who have done this in real-time for years?

 

  • What models of power dynamic relationships inspire you? “Old Guard”Leather? Victorian or ancient Roman servant and master? Medieval liege-fealty? Daddy/daughter? 1950’s head of household and housewife? Employer and employee? Home owner and butler? Gorean master and slave girl? Military models?

 

  • Tell me about your research, education and training in BDSM. How much training do you think you require on top of this in order to achieve your ideal BDSM lifestyle and relationship with an ideal Dom?  How much training do you feel should be done by your Dom and how much will you continue to seek education elsewhere to supplement it?

 

  • Tell me about your professional life. What is your work ethic like?  Are you the type of person who likes to take action and get a job done quickly or are you a procrastinator?  Do you enjoy the process of working on a project and completing your work and do you feel a sense of satisfaction and pride in what you do, or do you tend to just do your work to get the job done and collect a paycheck?  Have you ever worked a service job?  Or what kind of experience have you had with serving people?  Have you ever argued with your bosses at work?  Have you ever worked a job where mistakes are absolutely not acceptable, such as health care or law enforcement? How well did you function in any of those roles?  Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • Do you have good impulse control? Are you good at motivating yourself to do what needs to be done?

 

  • Why do you want to be the subordinate partner in a relationship? What do you believe it will do for you?

 

  • How long have you been a sub and how much experience do you have with submission.

 

  • What does submission and being a sub mean to you? Describe your submissive identity and ideology in an essay of at least one page.

 

  • When you imagine your idea of the perfect submissive, in the ideal submissive identity, role, lifestyle and manners/ways, living as what you see as the perfect submissive, what exactly does that entail? Please describe this in full detail.

 

  • How close do you feel that you are to this ideal? What areas do you think need improvement in order to get yourself there?

 

  • What do you get/want to get out of being dominated?

 

  • What do you want your Dom to get out of your submission?

 

  • What does your ideal BDSM lifestyle look like to you? Describe its daily activities & routines in detail.  How much of your time will be spent under the Dom’s supervision or control and how much will be independent?

 

  • Do you prefer to serve your Dom in your own way and be in control of how you are serving? Or to be controlled and micromanaged and told what to do and how to do it?  Or do you enjoy them both equally?

 

  • How much sexual control/Dominance/power do you want your Dom to have over you both in the bedroom, and in the rest of your life? Do you want to be monogamous with him or non-monogamous?  How much do you want him to be in charge of what goes on in the bedroom?  Do you want him to have to ask for consent for anything he does, or do you want him to be able to do anything he wants within limits, or do you want to fill out a specific consent list, or how will consent be communicated?  Do you want him to be in control of your orgasms and only be able to orgasm with his permission?  How much do you want him to be in charge of what you do with your vagina outside of your interactions with him?  Do you want to be able to masturbate without needing to seek his permission?  Or do you want to have to seek his permission, and have him even give you instructions or guidance on how to pleasure yourself and help you do so over the phone when you are not together?  Do you want to be able to entertain other partners freely, or only with his permission, or only with his involvement, or not at all?  Do you want to be charged with fulfilling him sexually in every way and always making sure his needs are met on a daily basis, or would you be ok with him getting some of his needs met by other partners?

 

  • How sexual would you say that you are and how much sex do you like to have? What are some of your greatest sexual preferences?  What fetishes do you have that are required for your arousal and orgasm?  What roles do you like to play in the bedroom?  What are some of your sexual limits?  If you have any other sexual needs that you would like to be fulfilled by your Dom be sure to list them.

 

  • What types of sexual service and skills can you offer your Dom? Please describe in thorough detail.

 

  • What sexual wants/needs/desires/fantasies/fetishes do you have that you would like to be fulfilled by your Dom, and how often?

 

  • In what ways are you willing to serve your Dom beyond the sexual relationship? Are you willing to be of domestic service (housecleaning, cooking, laundry, handy work, gardening, pet care, etc.)? Are you willing to be of professional service to support your Dom in his business (personal assistant, secretarial, clerical, typing, note taking, tech support, referrals/references, social media promotions, etc)?  Are you willing to provide assistance with other practical aspects of his life (scheduling, organization, chauffeuring, personal care (grooming), clothing/fashion, health care, massages, entertainment, etc.)?  Do you have any creative or artistic services you can offer (sewing, art, flower arranging, etc.)?  What other services or special skills are you willing to offer to your Dom that he may not know about and how can he best utilize them?  How much time are you willing and able to volunteer in service to your Dom each week?  Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • Are there any skills you do not already have but plan to learn in the immediate or near future in order to serve your Dom better in any of these ways?

 

  • How much acknowledgment, approval, appreciation and positive reinforcement do you need for doing what you are told? What are the most effective forms of these positive reinforcements for you?

 

  • How do you handle negative feedback and constructive criticism? How would you like it to be given to you so that you can take it in stride?

 

  • How structured and formalized do you want a relationship to be? Do you want it to be without structure or formality and feel open, free, and casual about it?  Or could you handle and even thrive and enjoy a large amount of structure and formality in your Dom/Sub relationship?  Are you looking for it to be highly structured, formalized and officiated including the traditional BDSM relationship negotiation, training contract, collaring and ownership contract?  What if your Dom wants to give me a lot of rules to obey?  How much Dom/Sub formality, and perhaps even Master/Slave dynamics and structure would you want your Dom to use in your relationship in order to help you be the best you can be?  Where is the line where structure and formality would feel like an imposition of my freedom to do whatever I want and whenever I want as an independent adult?  Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • What type of commitment are you looking for from a Dom? What is the time line?  Are you looking for a short term relationship?  Someone who is just going to be a consistent play partner?  Or are you looking for someone who is “relationship” or “Boyfriend/girlfriend” Material who you can have a committed partnership with?  Are you looking for a long term relationship?  If so, how long would you like it to last ideally?  Are you looking for someone to be fluid bonded with (someone who is an unprotected sex partner who you exchange sexual fluids with)?  Are you looking for someone to cohabitate with?  Something that might be life long most ultimately?  Are you looking for marriage or something that will be polyamorous?  Are you looking for a formal multiple partner relationship such as polygamy, polyandry or polygyny?  Are you looking for a “monogamish” type of relationship which could involve 3 somes or swinging at times or other types of provisions, perhaps with other partners who could be romantic but not entirely sexual, or sexual but not involve intercourse?  If we are in a DDLG dynamic would you enjoy having other little girls as sisters that you can play with both separately from and together with Daddy, and be one big happy family with?  If you are looking for a multiple partner scenario are you willing to help recruit new partners?  And if you are looking for a non-monogamous relationship what exactly is the specific commitment you would like within this relationship and how will this relationship dynamic be structured with us so that the other relationships do not interfere?  Do you wish for us to be primary or non-primary partners?  And how will the outside dating/relationships be structured so that this can be a healthy harmonious dating paradigm?  Are you looking to be completely owned by your Dom and collared?  And if you are looking for a monogamous relationship then what roles do you wish us to play in this relationship dynamic for each other and in each others lives to make sure that we can fulfill all of our relationship needs for each other and not feel like other partners are necessary?  If we are to be monogamous how will we structure our social lives so that we can still be socially active and healthy?  Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • Do you wish to work and maintain some financial independence or do you wish to have a Dom to support you financially while you devote yourself to a life of domestic servitude? Or do you want to have an arrangement somewhere in between those two, or perhaps start with being financially independent but eventually move in and be supported by your Dom after establishing a long term commitment?  How would you feel if your Dom provided for you in part but wanted you to work part or full time and give your earnings to him and you got an allowance?  If you are going to work, who will have more authority in your life, your boss, or your Dom?  Will you be able to wear your collar at work or would you need a piece of more discrete jewelry?  What service will take priority, that to your job or to your Dom?  Will you schedule your time with your Dom around that of your work schedule, or schedule your time at work around your schedule with your Dom?  Will your Dom be able to contact you during your work day?  Will your Dom be able to influence your career path?  If your job is interfering with your relationship (IE by you needing to work overtime and it encroaching on your time with your Dom, or it causing you to not have enough energy after work to serve your Dom, or causing you too much stress and causing bad moods which effect your emotional connection and quality of time with your Dom), how would you deal with those issues?  If your Dom requested that you take time off of work for a special date/session/event/holiday/vacation with him, how easy would this be for you and how often would you be able to do it?  If your Dom requested more time with you overall and asked that you reduce your hours at work, would you be willing and able to do this?  If you got fired from your job for complying with the requests/demands of your Dom, how would you react to this and what would you expect from him in response to this to compensate you for your loss?  How would you react if your Dom was to lose his job at any point and this affected his ability to provide for you temporarily?  Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • Are you looking for a domestic partner to eventually move in with and build a home with? If so what kind of household and domestic arrangement would you like to have?  How do you envision the home you would like to build and the household dynamics between you? Describe in full detail.

 

  • Are you looking for a life long partner or marriage or a family with him? If you have specific designs for the future, it is important for you to make them known here.  If marriage means a certain thing to you, such as having a prenup or not having a prenup, being provided for for life, or it being done under a certain religious institution or for a specific purpose, please list these details.  If you have an interest in having a family in the future, what size would it be and how would it be structured?

 

  • Is your life basically in good order, or are you constantly struggling with crises? If so do you hope that getting into a power dynamic will help that situation? If yes, how?

 

  • If your Dom were to strongly suggest you make a big life decision or change how would you respond? Imagine the following the possible reality of the following scenarios and how you would respond to them.  Your Dom brings up that he believes your current diet and lifestyle are causing you health problems and pain and that you ought to stop drinking & smoking, go on a strict healthy diet and enact a more wholesome lifestyle with daily exercise.  Your Dom says that they think your group of friends or even certain family members are a bad influence on you and that you should stop seeing them and seek out new friends who will be better for you.  Your Dom tells you that they believe your current career is causing you too much emotional and physical stress and not paying enough and that they think you should quit your job and go back to school for a different career path that would be more rewarding.  How would you feel about your Dom being able to have the kind of general authority to make such big life decisions for you?  Are there any aspects of your life you especially would or would not want your Dom to have control over?  How would you feel if your Dom wanted to have control over a major aspect of your life that you did not want him to, but yet you knew that you could trust him to act in your best interest?  Make sure to answer all of these questions specifically.

 

  • What are your worst faults? Include the ones you are most embarrassed by or ashamed of.

 

  • What protocols are you interested in instituting for your relationship? (A protocol is basically something that will be done in a specific way either in general or in a specific situation). There are different protocols for different aspects of the relationship and different circumstances. These help to provide terms and conditions of the relationship. Types of protocols to consider are:  Protocols for interacting with members of the opposite sex, especially when they seem interested or are acting flirtatious (Example: do not engage, disclose that you are taken ASAP, refer them to your Dom, tell them you are only available for friendship, tell them you are not interested).  Only basic protocols are necessary to be discussed at this point, as we will get in depth into specifics later when formulating our actual relationship structure.

 

  • How will you handle it when your Dom gives you input or an instruction that you do not agree with?

 

  • When you do something wrong, how would you like your Dom to address it? How do you respond when confronted with something you have done that someone else is taking an issue with?  Do you tend to get defensive?  Will you apologize?  Are you willing to accept reprimand?  Are you willing to accept appropriate punishments?  Do you know the difference between punishments and “funishments”?  Do you believe you are willing and able to correct your behavior and improve in the future, or should your Dom just accept you the way you are?

 

  • How do you deal with conflict?

 

  • What makes you angry? How do you respond when angry?

 

  • If you break up (it’s possible) how do you want this to end? How would you prefer this to go in order to be as kind and fair to both people as possible?

 

  • And now that you have properly vetted your prospective partner to make sure that they are the right match for you, and negotiated the terms and conditions of your relationship dynamic, you are ready to move on to further structuring it. And before we get into specifics such as rules and protocols, I would like to outline some general guidelines for doing so.

 

 

Now after reading all of that you are probably thinking to yourself, wow that’s a lot, how am I supposed to talk about all of this with someone?  Over time.  You see this is not meant to be done all at once right away.  It takes time to get to know someone. Especially because if you happen to be dealing with someone who is a manipulative sociopath looking to seduce you so that they can use you for whatever reason, they may be intelligent enough to give you all of the right answers.  This of course doesn’t mean that these questions are useless, because most people won’t be doing that.  But most people will paint themselves in a more positive light with someone who they have only recently started dating, and are more apt to open up with them and share all of their faults and flaws until after they have really gotten to know each other and gotten comfortable due to a sense of familiarity.  This is why no matter how in depth your conversations are with someone in your first several weeks of dating and how intimately you think you know them, you won’t really truly know them until you have been dating them for at least six months or more.  There are also people who talk about themselves in ways that are not entirely accurate, not just because they are trying to paint themselves in a more positive light, but because they may be practicing the old “fake it till you make it” trick and stating things as they want them to be and expect themselves to then live up to this, or they also may not know themselves very well, or may be prone to changing their minds as well.  When I date young women (age 18-25) I find that they are very prone to saying one thing and doing another.  So having these conversations over the course of the first couple/few months would only lead to me feeling as though I had been mislead when in the couple/few months to follow I find that they were not who they said they were.  You can avoid this happening to you by taking your time getting to know someone, “going steady” as they used to say, and taking it slow.

 

It is not until you have known someone for at least half a year that you will be able to have observed them for long enough to see if they are who they say they are.  Then you will really know their true selves.  And again, after that people are much more open and honest with you about things they would have hidden at first.  So take your time getting to know people and do not rush these conversations.  Do them incrementally in the linear progression laid out here and do not skip ahead.  The topics that come later are obviously much more in depth and meant for further down the road after dating and getting to know someone for months, when you are starting to enter into relationship mode.  Remember that this is not you building a relationship, but a foundation for one.  That alone takes time to do, and you won’t be ready to build a relationship on top of it until you have built a strong foundation for one.  And then building the relationship itself will take time.  You should not be trying to enter a committed relationship with someone or sign your first relationship contract with them until you have been seriously dating for 6-12 months, and this only includes the time that you spent seriously dating them and getting to know them, not time previous to that in which you were acquaintances who were just talking to each other or having casual sex.

 

Again, these will probably require some altering and customizing for you, but you get the basic idea of each one and how it is meant to inform you about the persons ability to be in and help make a relationship healthy and successful.  And most if not all of these questions should be able to lead to negotiations about your specific relationship dynamic, if the conversation is going well enough to head in that direction.  But you might be wondering what to do if you are bringing these things up and your suitor is sometimes saying things that you do not like.  Well it is common for people to say things to one another that they do not like, especially good friends.  The issue should not be whether someone is not perfect, or that you disagree with them about some things, or even that there are some things you just don’t like about them.  What you are looking for here is to find out if you two are well matched for a relationship and if it seems like they are the type of person who is relationship material for you and the type of relationship you are looking for, and if it seems like they could help create a healthy happy relationship with you.  There is a huge difference between someone not having the same love language as you, and having a different relationship orientation (monogamy, polyamory, etc).

 

Know what the difference is between a want and a need, you may want someone who is a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that you need them to be that way.  Similarly, know the difference between something that should be a deal breaker and something that should be a compromise.  Vetting is about knowing what your deal breakers are, and negotiation and relationships are about compromise.  You don’t want to your list of preferences to all be deal-breakers otherwise no one will make it through vetting and into relationship negotiation.  You need to be able to compromise some of your wants and needs, because these are human beings, not custom made robots whose only purpose is to please you and fulfill your every demand.  People who do this are either narcissistic or are afraid of real human commitment and intimacy, and are not ready for a relationship, so make sure that it is not you who is getting in your own way and failing your own vetting process by disqualifying perfectly good suitors.  So while someone having a different relationship orientation than you (monogamous, polyamorous, etc), or wanting a completely different type of relationship may be a good deal-breaker, someone not matching up with all of your preferences is not, and it is important for you to understand that if you have more than a handful, no one is going to.   So someone not meeting all of your preferences should not be a deal-breaker.

 

Also similarly, it is important to know what red flags are, and what are not.  And when I say that, let me clarify what I mean.  It is important for you to not make certain things out to be red flags when they are not, and just like with having too many deal-breakers, these are really you looking for excuses to run from a good person due to fear of commitment.  However what is equally important is to not do the opposite and ignore red flags either because you are looking at the person with rose colored glasses and either are so focused on their beauty and good that you do not even notice the red flags, or more likely if you are following this vetting process, the red flags are there to be seen but you are just ignoring them.  This can happen quite frequently if someone has passed initial vetting and seems like they could be so right for you…but then later on as the conversations grow deeper you start to uncover things about them that make it seem like they might not be healthy for a relationship.  But at this point they have only told you about these tendencies, you haven’t seen them in action.  So you don’t know how they will affect you, if at all.  So you decide to give them a chance to prove themselves.  In the meantime you continue to get emotionally invested in this person and your relationship keeps progressing.  Then when these negative tendencies start to come up you are already invested enough that you may have already begin to commit to this person subconsciously, and when these tendencies cause problems you are more likely to try to work on them and give them more chances to have a negative impact on you.  Following this pattern it will take months before this person has had a destructive enough impact on you for you to leave them.  This is how unhealthy relationships happen, you are steeped in them by chasing a bad investment over a period of time that gets you deeply committed to someone you should have never become committed to, but it happened slowly and covertly, because you weren’t having these types of conversations.

 

While every relationship is going to have problems and both partners need to do relationship work to make a relationship work, some problems are not able to be solved.  When someone simply has traits that are not healthy for a relationship, that means that in a relationship they will cause you ongoing problems without end, and there will be no solution.  So regardless of how good your first impression of this person was, or how much you may think you like them, you need to be on the lookout for red flags. Be aware of what a red flag is and is not (it is something that shows that this person is not healthy relationship material, it is not them doing something that you didn’t really like).  And when you see real red flags such as negative character traits like selfishness/narcissism, being a taker, poor communication, commitment and intimacy issues, etc.  If someone is indicating such things in the vetting process, these are red flags that must not be ignored.  If you notice red flags such as these you should either move on to other prospects, or if it is important enough to investigate these red flags more then do so and make sure this person is going to be healthy for you before proceeding.  But chances are if red flags have appeared, they are not, and you entertaining the possibility of it being otherwise is just wishful thinking because they made a good first impression and you became more in love with the idea of who they could be and it is causing you to see them through rose colored glasses and ignore the fact that they are not a healthy mate.  In my entire history of dating I have never ignored a red flag that did not come back to bite me in the ass hard, they have always been indications that this partner was unhealthy for me and even toxic and destructive, and ignoring the red flag only lead to me being mistreated and hurt, sometimes badly. So make sure you are taking heed to the red flags and not proceeding with negotiation with anyone who has already shown you that they are not healthy relationship material.

 

But once you have vetted someone and you know that they are a good match for you, then you need to proceed with the negotiation phase. This is where you will take their answers to the questions and use those to formulate your specific agreements that will become the terms and conditions of your relationship.  Each of your specific wants/needs are not going to match up exactly, and negotiation is how you will form a bridge between them.  One person will want the relationship to be one such way, the other will want it a slightly different way.  It is up to you to use negotiation to take that Venn diagram and expand the area of overlap between you two.  That will become your relationship dynamic.  So one person wants a total power exchange relationship and the other wants to maintain some autonomy.  Negotiation is about discussing what the reasonable and healthy compromise between these two things could be. You will need to decide how much independence you will need to each maintain in the relationship and just how Dominant vs. submissive each partner ought to be with one another.  Once you have negotiated such things you will know exactly what the terms and conditions of your relationship are.  But there are some special guidelines I would like to lay out for this process of negotiating and having relationships that I have found make some very good basic parameters to create a safe space to do so within.  You and your partner can look over these or discuss them, and see which ones you agree with.  Some you may even like enough to turn into terms and conditions for your relationship contract.

 

 

 

 

Relationship Guidelines

 

 

 

There are a number of basic relationship guidelines to make sure that your relationship is structured properly in order to ensure that it is healthy for both people, and will be successful.  These are of course meant for those in the BDSM world, so some may not apply to you if you are not in it, but are still be good to think, so I have not edited this list for the sake of normative relationships.  So please be sure to give your careful consideration to the list I have provided for you here.    It would be a good idea for you and your prospective partner to read through this list together and discuss it, and perhaps even print it out so that you can write a “Y” in front of the guidelines that you agree with and wish to have as part of your dynamic, and an “N” in front of the ones you disagree with and wish to disregard.

 

Roles – What are the roles that you and your partner are going to play in the relationship?  Traditionally in BDSM there is a Dominant and a submissive. A Dominant cares for the submissive.  The submissive serves the Dominant.  These roles are complimentary equals and the D/s structure is designed in order to ensure that both partners needs are met and the relationship can be not only healthy, sustainable, but synergistic and growth oriented.

 

SSC – The relationship must always be Safe, Sane and Consensual in order to ensure that it is healthy.

 

Respect – Both partners must give one another the respect that they wish to be given by their partner.  Both partners must never disrespect their partner in any way.  If a partner is feeling disrespected by the other, they should express this immediately, and the other partner should apologize and correct their behavior.

 

Politeness – Both should always be polite and considerate no matter what the circumstance.  No rude behavior should have to be tolerated outside of bratty play, which is easily distinguishable from an actual snide remark.  Basic social niceties should be abided by.  This means words like “please” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” whenever they may count for anything.   This means not ignoring someone who has asked you a question.   And it means not only treating each other with respect but with hospitality.  We are here to see if we can help to take care of each others needs.

 

Terms of Endearment and Respect – Both parties get to choose what terms and names they wish to be called by one another, and their partner should never refer to them by a name that they do not like to be called.

 

Freedom from Judgment and Open Honest Communication – All our interactions must be judgment free on both ends, and we must both be able to communicate openly about our wants and needs, otherwise were not going to be able to get them met, and there will be problems instead.  This must be a judgment free zone, and there must be complete honesty on both ends.  This does not mean we can interrogate each other, and we have a right to privacy as well.  But we must both openly communicate about things that are pertinent.

 

Sex positivity and sexual Communication – You must be able to communicate like a mature adult about sexuality, and be able to make conscious decisions and communicate about your likes and dislikes, the things you want to do and don’t want to do, the things you want to try, and what your limits are, etc.   We must agree to always be sex positive and never sex negative so that we can always communicate about our sexual wants and needs with each other and know we that’s won’t be shamed for them whatever they are, but that both partners do have the ability to say no and set limits which will be respected.

 

Corrections – We need to be able to correct each other and tell each other when we don’t like something doing something without it turning into an argument.  A simple correction should be a non-issue.  Ego’s have no place in personal development healthy relationship development.

 

Health – Both partners should be physically and mentally healthy for a relationship and seek whatever treatment is necessary to be so at any time.  If the relationship ever becomes unhealthy, they should seek relationship counseling together.

 

Limits – Neither partner should ever be expected to do something that they do not want to and which is definitively outside of their limits.  Though both partners may be expected to do things that are outside of their comfort zone and push themselves to their limits.

 

Safe Words – Established safe words must always be used and abided by when necessary in order to ensure safety during play.  The established safe words in the community are: Red – Stop immediately.  Yellow – Limit is being approached, slow down or be more gentle.  Green – Go faster/do more.  Any other individualized safe words may be established and used per the wishes of any partner.  Either partner has the right to stop play at any time.

 

Communication of wants & needs – A sub has the right to communicate all of her wants and needs, likes and dislikes, and limits, and expect them to be respected by the Dom, and have the Dom do what he can to meet them, as long as they do not interfere with his own wants and needs, and the structure and lifestyle designed by both parties in the relationship.  The Dom has the right to communicate his wants and needs with the sub, as well as his likes and dislikes, and expect them to be respected and met by her.  The Dom also has the final say about what is good for the relationship and how both partners wants/needs will be met, so long as both do feel respected and no limits are being violated.

 

Concerns – Subs should expect to be allowed to bring up concerns they might have and expect the Dom/me to listen and consider what they are saying.  Yes this is to be done respectfully and yes the Dom/me has the final word, but the sub has to feel you gave it consideration and not a just because I say so response.

 

Questions – Subs should believe the instructions/orders your Dom/me gives you have been done with thought and care.  You should not constantly question your Dom/me about the instructions/orders.  Clarifying questions are usually acceptable when asked in a respectful manner, and at the right time (which is not always when an order is being given).

 

Expectations – Both partners should not expect the other to be perfect, but should expect there to be mistakes made in the relationship.  When mistakes are made, both partners are expected to practice good conflict management in order to ensure sustainability of the D/s relationship.

 

Punishments vs. Abuse – A Dom should never be abusive to a sub and the sub should never be afraid of the Dom’s reprisal outside of the pre-arranged Rules that both have agreed upon.  However a Dom does have the right to enforce punishments upon a sub for breaking pre-agreed-upon rules, as long as the punishments are also pre-agreed-upon.   When being punished, a submissive should not claim that the Dom is being abusive for a punishment that she has pre-agreed-upon, unless the Dominant is actually being abusive in some way and stepping outside of the parameters of the safe sane consensual D/s arrangement.  When administering a punishment the submissive must carry it out completely.

 

Punishments vs. “Funishments” – Punishments are not meant to be fun, and are different from “impact play” such as spankings or whippings.  Punishments are meant to elicit mindfulness of the submissive towards her behaviors.

 

Corrections – After punishments for infractions, the rules and punishments must be discussed, along with behavioral reform, and possibly the re-structuring of the rules in the D/s relationship.

 

Subs Service – A sub will always focus on pleasing her Dom/me and hopes the Dom/me will find her pleasing.  Subs are always in submission to their Dom/me even outside their presence (if this has been the agreement). Subs should always be prepared to please their Dom/me anywhere, anytime, no matter what the circumstances or who is around.  Subs will only make their choices based on if they will or will not please their Dom/me.  As well as make their choices within the orders/boundaries/instructions/guidelines their Dom/me has set for them.

 

Commitment – No sub can release themselves from their duties, service, collar or the relationship without the Dom/mes prior approval and consent.

 

Training – The Dom will train the submissive not only in how to serve and please him, but in how to be the person/submissive that she wishes to be, have the relationship that they wish to have, and live the lifestyle that she wishes to live.  Through His Dominance, the submissive may become self actualized.  And a sub is allowed to ask for help with anything that she needs help with.

 

Expansion – Subs are expected to keep an open mind and try new things expanding their limits past their “comfort zone”, so long as they never feel actually violated or traumatized.

 

Other subs – subs are expected to be courteous to other subs, and to play nicely together, and not act jealously towards the Dom for fraternizing with other subs, so long as it does not violate the terms and conditions of their agreements/contract.

 

Attention – subs should ask for attention and expect to get it from the Dom when they need it, rather than acting out and behaving badly in order to get it, except for in the case of pre-agreed-upon bratty play.

 

Aftercare – subs have the right to expect aftercare following any intense play/scenes, but in some cases they may have to ask for it specifically.

 

Reminders – Dom’s and subs have a right and expectation to be consistently reminding each other of their roles in the dynamic, and to have those reminders be respected.

 

Managing & Aborting – Either partner has a right to instantly leave a relationship that they believe is unhealthy or unmanageable, but both partners should be expected to work together and practice good relationship management skills to maintain the health, balance, harmony and sustainability of the relationship.

 

 

And of course if you have thought of any other good general guidelines to ensure the health and sustainability of your relationship dynamic while reading over this be sure to write them down as well.  Otherwise we are now going to move on to more specific terms and conditions for structuring a relationship, through “relationship rules”.

 

 

 

 

Relationship Rules

 

 

In designing a formally structured Dom/sub relationship, a large part of the structure in this dynamic lies in the official framework of “Rules” that both parties have lied out for each other.  These rules are put into place to ensure the success of the relationship in that it will be healthy, meet both partners wants and needs, and that they will find the dynamic and the behaviors of the other partner pleasing.  This is not just important in BDSM but in normative relationships as well, so that you do not end up with any types of situations where one person is taking issue with something the other did, which they did not know would be an issue.  This is all too common among couples who never outline rules for the relationship.  And then one person gets in trouble for talking to someone of the opposite sex for too long while they were being flirty, or looking at another’s buttocks, or masturbating to porn.  And there are non sexual expectations that are often not discussed but then become an issue.  Such as not knowing your partner wanted you to clean up after yourself in a certain way, or put the toilette seat down when they were done with it.   These things often lead to arguments because of a incongruence in expectations.  One partner expected the other to do something (or not do something) that the other did not know about.  And one partner becomes frustrated that this expectation is not met, while the other gets defensive because they did not do so intentionally and did not mean anything by it, but are now being faced with an upset partner.

 

This is why it is so important to lay out the ground rules for a relationship from the beginning.  Most peoples idea of commitment revolves around the concept of monogamy yet they do not even bother to lay out the basic ground rules and terms and conditions of monogamy. Yet they become consumed by jealousy and even enraged if they find out that their partner was fraternizing with an attractive and flirty member of the opposite sex.  But if you do not want your partner allowing members of the opposite sex to flirt with them, you need to say so and create a rule around it, do not punish them when it happens if you have never said anything before.  In fact if you are a monogamous type, and prone to jealousy, as most people are, you probably need to create a number of rules and policies surrounding the terms and conditions of your monogamy and how exactly your partner is allowed to relate to the opposite sex socially.  You can see the need for such rules in a monogamous commitment.  However most people want their relationship to be about more than just being sex partners.  You want to play many roles in each others lives and have a very complete dynamic between you two that is social, psychological, and domestic as well.  So you will need rules surrounding all aspects of the dynamic and laying out all of their necessary policies.

 

It is important that neither party agree to any rules that s/he cannot actually uphold, and that rules be given in small doses and increased gradually over time.  The rules should also of course be specific and customized to the individuals in the dynamic.  However for our purposes here I am going to outline some good general rules that many Dom’s and subs find useful in BDSM, and again leave it to you to adapt them to your specific dynamic and purposes.  Please discuss these rules with your partner and have a printed sheet for you two to write a big bold “Y” in front of the rules that you like and would find useful in a D/s relationship, and write a big bold “N” in front of the ones you dislike and would not want imposed upon you.  Many will not pertain to those who are not interested in a formal D/s relationship, but will still be good to think about, and many others can be adapted to any other type of relationship dynamic.  At the end once you have a solid idea of some examples of good rules, you will then be able to write out some more specific rules that are more customized to your specific relationship dynamic.  And as your relationship grows you can continue adding more over time.

 

 

General Rules

 

  • The submissive is not responsible for rules that cannot reasonably be known to her, or have not been expressly contained within the rules. Questions regarding this matter shall be mutually agreed upon.
  • The submissive shall have an opportunity to participate in all matters, including her discipline, rules and education. Final decisions still rest with Master.
  • The submissive shall never withhold or hide/cover up information that the Dominant needs.
  • The submissive is ultimately responsible for her own safety and wellbeing, and shall bring to the attention of Master any and all matters that concern her. See withholding information.
  • The submissive shall not talk back to Master or be rebellious, outside of bratty play.
  • The submissive shall not manipulate Master, or any situation, in order to achieve her own personal objectives.
  • The submissive shall respond with “Yes Sir” in a D/s relationship, or “Yes, Master” in an M/s relationship, to all requests made by the Dom, any time that they are in the roles of Dom and sub.
  • The submissive shall execute and complete all requests made by Master in the manner and time frame He sets forth, and agreed upon by the submissive.The submissive shall be responsible for the timely completion of any assignments designed to promote learning or growth, or used as a discipline. A reasonable time will be mutually agreed upon for each.
  • The submissive shall discuss with Master all decisions of any significance.
  • The submissive shall recognize that Master makes the final decision on all matters.
  • The submissive shall have a question and answer period each day in which she may feel free to bring any matters to Master’s attention that she wishes.
  • In public, the submissive is a representative of the Master, and the submissive is always to act in a manner that reflects positively upon her Master.
  • When He enters a room, she is to kneel when appropriate.   When inappropriate she is to reach out and make physical contact.  If that is not possible, she is to make eye contact.
  • The schedule will be maintained on a calendar. The submissive shall provide Master with a weekly schedule of activities. This schedule need not include every detail (ie: going to the store) but should reasonably reflect her weekly commitments.
  • she will meditate and keep a journal daily in which she can write freely about her thoughts. These journal entries will be submitted to the Dom at the end of each day.  The submissive shall not fear discipline from any matters contained in her journal.
  • she will sit at His’ feet, unless given permission to do otherwise.
  • she will be available and prepared for sexual service whenever He wishes.

 

 

Domestic Duties

 

  • she is the primary person responsible for the cleanliness of the home.  It is expected to be kept neat and organized.  Counters are to be clear of clutter, laundry completed, and the gardens well kept.  The family will work with her to keep the home in top shape.
  • she will maintain a list of projects she would like to see completed and they will be discussed and timelines set around them.
  • she will wash, fold, iron and put away His clothes so He is prepared for the day.
  • When He comes home from work and once her duties are done, she will kneel and present her collar without asking

 

 

Clothing

 

  • The Dom will decide upon how the sub will dress at any and all times.
  • At all times she will maintain her uniform.
  • she will always wear her collar at designated times. This may consist of separate collars for public, for service, and for play.
  • she is encouraged to show off her body through the use of provocative clothing.  He prefers this; but understands that she is not [yet] comfortable doing so.
  • When sleeping, she will either sleep naked or wear a night gown.

 

 

Shopping

 

  • she will surrender all funds to the Dom and will be given an allowance by him.
  • All purchases will be pre-planned, shopping lists and a budget will be created.  Purchases will be restricted to the shopping list.
  • she has the freedom to make financial choices about necessities; but will report those choices immediately.
  • Any purchase over 25 dollars must be approved by Him.
  • Any purchase over 50 dollars by He or she will be discussed by both parties.

 

 

Sexual

 

  • The submissive shall indicate her desire or readiness for sexual contact in one of several ways that are acceptable to Master. This includes, but is not limited to, assuming a position of submission; voice and eye contact; mutually agreed upon physical contact.
  • The submissive will use her safe word anytime it is needed without restraint. However The submissive shall not misuse her safe word. It is appropriately used only at times in which she feels her personal safety, either physical or mental (including fear), is compromised.
  • she will work hard to encourage her Dom sexually in all his ways through both her words and actions.
  • She will indulge his fantasies and fetishes fully no matter how kinky or taboo.
  • Bondage and spankings are not to be used for corrections, but are forms of play, not punishment.
  • Formal playtime/scenes will occur an agreed upon number of times per week regardless of schedule.
  • Both partners sexual needs must always be met by each other.
  • In sex, both partners are responsible for each others pleasure, and for communicating with each other in what will give them the pleasure they want.
  • The submissive must follow the Dom’s instructions on how to pleasure him with fervor and precision, making it her mission in sex to give him as much pleasure as possible and make him orgasm as hard as possible, as fast as he likes.
  • The submissive must orgasm when the Dom wishes, as many times as he wishes, as hard as he wishes, and in whatever ways he wishes, or not at all if he wishes. The Dom is in complete control of the submissive’s orgasms.  Orgasms are a greatest gift given to the sub by the Dom.
  • When they are apart, the submissive may not pleasure herself without the Dom’s permission. When she feels aroused and needs to pleasure herself she must seek his permission, and guidance/instructions  in how to pleasure herself.
  • The submissive must not orgasm without the Dom’s permission. When she is nearing orgasm, she must inform him and ask his permission to do so.  When he grants permission to orgasm, she must follow any instructions in how to have it.
  • The submissive shall retain ownership to all toys, and be responsible for their care, upkeep and cleanliness.

 

 

Correction

 

  • The submissive shall not run away, literally or figuratively, from problems or discussions about problems and their correction.
  • Correction will consist of pre-arranged punishments that will be enacted by the Dom, and carried out by the submissive in a disciplined fashion anytime a rule is broken.
  • Punishment will be delivered immediately upon infraction, and is expected to be carried out immediately in with total discipline by the submissive.
  • The submissive should expect a reasonable explanation of any rule or discipline.
    Correction will be explained prior to being enacted, and discussed afterwards as well.
  • Corrections will also involve discussion of the rule and its necessity, and anytime a submissive is struggling with a rule, it is open to being changed. However the submissive may not disobey rules and try to have them changed simply due to lack of discipline.  The submissive must make a disciplined effort to obey all rules, and then she may communicate about the ones that she is struggling with and feel should be changed.

 

 

 

After reading these you can cherry pick from the list ones that you like and adapt them to your dynamic.  And then you need to go on to create your own custom rules over the course of the upcoming weeks or months.  Then after you have created your list of rules based not only on these basics here but more importantly on ones that are completely custom to your partnership, you are now really beginning to have a definitive list of agreements that will form a solid foundation of a serious relationship.  And this will be used to create not only your formal commitment to each other, but the official relationship contract that will constitute the very structure of your relationship.   After a handful of weeks or a couple months have gone by of further negotiating the terms and conditions of your relationship and formulating a good list of specific custom rules that you would like to stick with, it will then be time to use everything you have done here to formally engineer your official relationship contract!

 

 

 

Relationship Contracts

 

 

 

The relationship contract should be relatively easy for you to put together using all of the terms and conditions you have previously negotiated with your new partner.  And now that you are ready to commit you simply have to compile it into one document, which you will fill in the spaces between with some very poetic and official sounding language about different pertinent information, including but not limited to: feelings for each other, other agreements and arrangements you have made between yourselves, the roles you are going to have in your dynamic and the different aspects of them, expectations you have of each other, the nature of the relationship, boundaries and peramiters, and any other terms and conditions you may think of to help engineer the structure of your relationship so that it may be successful.  Again, make sure that you are clear and precise with everything, but also feel free to be poetic with your language and make it sentimental, meaningful, romantic and special in any ways that feel right and express the deep connection you have cultivated with your partner.

 

The following is an example of the contract that I had in my last relationship with my submissive.  You will see how not only does this use some of the basic elements I have gone over in previous parts, that this also involves a lot of very specific aspects of our relationship dynamic and his highly customized to us, as yours should be to you.  You will also notice how it is not only specific, technical and formal in the way it lays out all of the terms and conditions of our relationship, but it is also very poetic, sentimental, special, meaningful and romantic.  Even if you are not into BDSM, I think you will find this inspiring, and can see how you could do something similar in a non-BDSM manner.  And how such a contract is not only a beautiful symbol of a committed relationship, but something that will help to ensure its functional success in the long term, which all couples who are serious about their relationship should have.

 

 

 

Contract For Consensual Submission in Training

 

 

I, ________________________________(submissive), otherwise known as “Little Girl Goddess”, “Loving Little Girl”, “Slutty/Kinky Baby”, “Daddy’s Princess”, “Babygirl”, “Babydoll”, “Baby”, “Kitten”, and “Slave”, do with a free mind and an open heart; request of _______________________(Dominant), otherwise known as “Sir”, “Daddy”, “Master”, “Isantis”, “Romantic Dominant”, and “Loving Dominant”, that he accept the submission of my will unto him and to take me into his care and guidance as my formal Dominant, so that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect.  I fully surrender the totality of my being to him in body, mind and spirit, in order to be used as he sees fit, knowing that he has my best interests in mind and that he can help me to become self actualized as a submissive female.  In my submission to him I will give him full control over my self and my life, physically, mentally, spiritually, sexually, socially, professionally, and otherwise, so that he can make the best decisions for me and train me to be able to become the person I want to be and live the life that I want to live most ultimately.

 

In being a submissive to my Dominant, who is my superior, will mean pleasing him in whatever his sexual and emotional needs are, (granted that they are things I have consented to), and taking whatever input he gives me verbally or physically without question.  I pledge to offer my service to my Dom in whatever ways he needs it physically, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and domestically, and that I will always do whatever it takes to help him feel satisfied in his life, putting my own comfort and needs aside for his.  I vow that I will always be willing to help him with whatever he needs in his life no matter what it is.  I will fulfill my duty to serve my Dom diligently and be the best sub for him, and it is my intention and expectation that through my submission and service I will elicit his Dominance, care, teachings and guidance, so that I may become a better person and an even better sub for him, and thus in this harmonious reciprocal partnership we may both have our needs met and have the happy and successful relationship and life together that we wish to have.

 

I ask in sincere humility that my Dominant accept my surrender of myself to him, and that as my Dominant, Daddy, and Master, he accept the keeping of my body mind and spirit for the fulfillment and enhancement of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs, connection, and structured relationship so that we may grow together. To achieve this, he may have unfettered use of my body and my energies and service anytime, anywhere, and for any purpose he may see fit, trusting that he will always act in our best interest.

I pledge now on this emotionally and spiritually binding document to give myself fully to my Dominant in service as his submissive in return for his Dominance, Control, and Training.  And I will serve him to the fullest extent possible because the satisfaction of his needs, wants, desires, goals and decisions are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him, to serve him, to be trained by him, and to grow together with him, and experience pleasure through him, be that through earning his pleasuring of me, or pleasuring him (which gives me pleasure).  I offer him the use of my time, energy, and skills wherever he may want or need them.  And in return I ask that he guide me and help me grow in every way that I want to in order to become self actualized physically, mentally, spiritually, sexually, socially and professionally, both together with, and independently from him.  I request of him to be my Master and mentor, that he use his full power as a Dominant Male and the full power and control that I give him in his role as my Dominant to develop me as a submissive into the woman I want to be and help me to live the life that I want.

In order to achieve this end I agree to a structured Dominant/submissive relationship with him, which shall be structured by the following specific criteria, which I vow to abide by completely:

  • Roles – The Dom cares for the submissive. The submissive serves the Dom.  These roles are complimentary equals and the D/s structure is designed in order to ensure that both partners needs are met and the relationship can be not only healthy, sustainable, but synergistic and growth oriented.
  • SSC – The relationship must always be Safe, Sane and Consensual.
  • Respect – Both partners must give one another the respect that they wish to be given by their partner. Both partners must never disrespect their partner in any way.  If a partner is feeling disrespected by the other, they should express this immediately, and the other partner should apologize and correct their behavior.
  • Politeness – Both should always be polite and considerate no matter what the circumstance. No rude behavior should have to be tolerated outside of bratty play, which is easily distinguishable from an actual snide remark.  Basic social niceties should be abided by.  This means words like “please” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” whenever they may count for anything.   This means not ignoring someone who has asked you a question.   And it means not only treating each other with respect but with hospitality.  We are here to see if we can help to take care of each others needs.
  • Terms of respect for the Dom. “Sir”, “Dominant”, “Dom”, “Master”, “Mr. Krall”, “Love/My Love”, “Sweetie”, “Honey”, “Handsome” and any others he has requested, and never those he has requested to not be called. Similarly the Dom will address the sub with terms of endearment that she prefers.
  • Freedom from Judgment and Open Honest Communication – All our interactions must be judgment free on both ends, and we must both be able to communicate openly about our wants and needs, otherwise were not going to be able to get them met, and there will be problems instead. This must be a judgment free zone, and there must be complete honesty on both ends.  This does not mean we can interrogate each other, and we have a right to privacy as well.  But we must both openly communicate about things that are pertinent.
  • Sex positivity and sexual Communication – You must be able to communicate like a mature adult about sexuality, and be able to make conscious decisions and communicate about your likes and dislikes, the things you want to do and don’t want to do, the things you want to try, and what your limits are, etc. We must agree to always be sex positive and never sex negative so that we can always communicate about our sexual wants and needs with each other and know we that’s won’t be shamed for them whatever they are, but that both partners do have the ability to say no and set limits which will be respected.
  • Corrections – We need to be able to correct each other and tell each other when we don’t like something doing something without it turning into an argument. A simple correction should be a non-issue.  Ego’s have no place in personal development healthy relationship development.
  • Health – Both partners should be physically and mentally healthy for a relationship.
  • Limits – Neither partner should ever be expected to do something that they do not want to and which is definitively outside of their limits. Though both partners may be expected to do things that are outside of their comfort zone and push themselves to their limits.
  • Safe Words – Established safe words must always be used and abided by when necessary in order to ensure safety during play. The established safe words in the community are: Red – Stop immediately.  Yellow – Limit is being approached, slow down or be more gentle.  Green – Go faster/do more.  Any other individualized safe words may be established and used per the wishes of any partner.  Either partner has the right to stop play at any time.
  • Communication of wants & needs – A sub has the right to communicate all of her wants and needs, likes and dislikes, and limits, and expect them to be respected by the Dom, and have the Dom do what he can to meet them, as long as they do not interfere with his own wants and needs, and the structure and lifestyle designed by both parties in the relationship. The Dom has the right to communicate his wants and needs with the sub, as well as his likes and dislikes, and expect them to be respected and met by her.  The Dom also has the final say about what is good for the relationship and how both partners wants/needs will be met, so long as both do feel respected and no limits are being violated.
  • Concerns – Subs should expect to be allowed to bring up concerns they might have and expect the Dom to listen and consider what they are saying.  Yes this is to be done respectfully and yes the Dom has the final word, but the sub has to feel you gave it consideration and not a just because I say so response.
  • Questions – Subs should believe the instructions/orders your Dom gives you have been done with thought and care.  You should not constantly question your Dom about the instructions/orders.  Clarifying questions are usually acceptable when asked in a respectful manner, and at the right time (which is not always when an order is being given).
  • Expectations – Both partners should not expect the other to be perfect, but should expect there to be mistakes made in the relationship. When mistakes are made, both partners are expected to practice good conflict management in order to ensure sustainability of the D/s relationship.
  • Punishments vs. Abuse – A Dom should never be abusive to a sub and the sub should never be afraid of the Dom’s reprisal outside of the pre-arranged Rules that both have agreed upon. However a Dom does have the right to enforce punishments upon a sub for breaking pre-agreed-upon rules, as long as the punishments are also pre-agreed-upon.   When being punished, a submissive should not claim that the Dom is being abusive for a punishment that she has pre-agreed-upon, unless the Dominant is actually being abusive in some way and stepping outside of the parameters of the safe sane consensual D/s arrangement.  When administering a punishment the submissive must carry it out completely.
  • Punishments vs. “Funishments” – Punishments are not meant to be fun, and are different from “impact play” such as spankings or whippings. Punishments are meant to elicit mindfulness of the submissive towards her behaviors.
  • Corrections – After punishments for infractions, the rules and punishments must be discussed, along with behavioral reform, and possibly the re-structuring of the rules in the D/s relationship.
  • Subs Service – A sub will always focus on pleasing her Dom and hopes the Dom will find her pleasing.  Subs are always in submission to their Dom even outside their presence (if this has been the agreement). Subs should always be prepared to please their Dom anywhere, anytime, no matter what the circumstances or who is around.  Subs will only make their choices based on if they will or will not please their Dom.  As well as make their choices within the orders/boundaries/instructions/guidelines their Dom has set for them.
  • Commitment – The sub can not release themselves from their duties, service, collar or the relationship without the Dom prior approval and consent.
  • Training – The Dom will train the submissive not only in how to serve and please him, but in how to be the person/submissive that she wishes to be, have the relationship that they wish to have, and live the lifestyle that she wishes to live. Through His Dominance, the submissive may become self actualized.  And a sub is allowed to ask for help with anything that she needs help with.
  • Expansion – Subs are expected to keep an open mind and try new things expanding their limits past their “comfort zone”, so long as they never feel actually violated or traumatized.
  • Attention – Subs should ask for attention and expect to get it from the Dom when they need it, rather than acting out and behaving badly in order to get it, except for in the case of pre-agreed-upon bratty play.
  • Aftercare – Subs have the right to expect aftercare following any intense play/scenes, but in some cases they may have to ask for it specifically.
  • Reminders – Dom’s and subs have a right and expectation to be consistently reminding each other of their roles in the dynamic, and to have those reminders be respected.
  • Managing & Aborting – Either partner has a right to instantly leave a relationship that they believe is unhealthy or unmanageable, but both partners should be expected to work together and practice good relationship management skills to maintain the health, balance, harmony and sustainability of the relationship.

 

 

In order to ensure that our D/s relationship is as healthy and successful as possible, I agree to abide by the following rules and structural guidelines:

 

General Rules

  • The submissive is not responsible for rules that cannot reasonably be known to her, or have not been expressly contained within the rules. The submissive has the right and duty to ask any questions she may have about anything she does not understand and it is the Dom’s responsibility to ensure that all of her questions are answered.
  • The submissive shall have an opportunity to participate in all matters, including her discipline, rules and education. Final decisions still rest with Master.
  • The submissive shall never withhold or hide/cover up information that the Dominant needs.
  • The submissive is ultimately responsible for her own safety and wellbeing, and shall bring to the attention of Master any and all matters that concern her.
  • The submissive shall not talk back to Master or be rebellious or defiant, outside of bratty play.
  • The submissive shall not manipulate Master, or any situation, in order to achieve her own personal objectives.
  • The submissive shall respond with “Yes Sir” in a D/s relationship, or “Yes, Master” in an M/s scenario, to all requests made by the Dom, any time that they are in the roles of Dom and sub.
  • The submissive shall execute and complete all requests made by Master in the manner and time frame He sets forth, and agreed upon by the submissive.The submissive shall be responsible for the timely completion of any tasks designed to promote learning or growth, or used as a discipline. A reasonable time will be mutually agreed upon for each.
  • The submissive shall discuss with Master all decisions of any significance.
  • The submissive shall recognize that Master makes the final decision on all matters.
  • The submissive shall have a question and answer period each day in which she may feel free to bring any matters to Master’s attention that she wishes.
  • The submissive shall listen to at least one (or ideally more) training modules provided by the Dominant per week (which may be listened to while doing other things), and engage in one training session per week.
  • In public, the submissive is a representative of the Master, and the submissive is always to act in a manner that reflects positively upon her Master.
  • The schedule will be maintained on a calendar. The submissive shall provide Master with a weekly schedule of activities. This schedule need not include every detail (ie: going to the store) but should reasonably reflect her weekly commitments.
  • She will meditate and keep a journal daily in which she can write freely about her thoughts.
  • She will sit at the Dom’s feet when asked for the duration that He wishes
  • She will be available and prepared for sexual service whenever He wishes.

 

D/s Relationship Obligations:

  • You are owned by your Dom, every part of your being belongs to him and thus every part of your being exists in submission to him.   Therein your thoughts about yourself must maintain your identity as a submissive for your Dom at their center.
  • Worship your Dom as your God above any other God’s, except Shiva who is the Sacred Masculine Archetype who Daddy is a part of, and any Goddesses who are the Sacred Feminine Archetypes that you feel you are a part of.
  • Never say or do anything to intentionally disrespect or hurt Daddy.
  • Daddy’s opinions and preferences should be held above all others.  When in doubt about anything think about Daddy’s opinions and preferences and ask yourself, “What Would Daddy Do?”  If you are still unsure always ask Daddy for his opinion/preference.  When more information is needed third party expertise may be consulted from experts in the given field and evaluated alongside Daddy’s opinions and preferences.  But a non-expert’s opinion may never be taken as of equal or greater importance than Daddy’s opinions and preferences.
  • Say good morning and goodnight to Daddy every day

 

Service to Dom:

  • He will be addressed as “Sir” or an other preferred term of endearment.
  • When sleeping with him if she wakes up first she will wake him up by sucking His cock.
  • Being a sub is a role of not only submission but servitude.  As a sub your life is dedicated to serving your Dom.  Serving your Dom is one of the key ways in which you show your feelings and devotion to him, and your deep dedication to your role as his sub.  Always be thinking about your Dom and how you can submit to and serve him in any situation you are in with him.  There is no specific amount of service that is the right amount, but try to make sure that you are serving him almost or about equally as much as he takes care of you.
  • When Daddy gives you instructions, trust that they are for your own good and do not argue or fight with him about them.  If you do not understand why he is giving you certain instructions and what their importance could be, or do not agree with them, ask him for clarification on why these instructions are necessary.  If after he has clarified you still do not believe these instructions are necessary you may say so and together you can evaluate them.
  • If Daddy seems to be struggling with anything ask if there is anything you can do to help him
  • Kneel for Daddy whenever he asks for as long as he asks, maintaining a still meditative kneeling position and entering a state of meditation upon submissiveness and your identity as a sub, your Dominant and his Dominance over you, or a related concept/state of mind.
  • Use your voice as Daddy asks you to use it.  This includes but is not limited to: Whining when he asks you to, begging when he asks you to, using your English accent at times, saying his name and other things to him during sex to heighten arousal and pleasure, begging for his cum in the manner requested in order to promote orgasm, engage in vocal training for skills such as whining, begging, sweet talking, dirty talking etc.
  • Whenever both partners require a shower at the same time, it is best to bathe together and wash one another, time permitting.  After the shower, Daddy may wish to call upon his subs tongue to dry him instead of a towel.
  • To service him domestically and assist him with building a home life together which will provide the best container for our relationship to flourish in.
  • To service him professionally and assist him with building a business empire together that will provide the best platform for us to accomplish and live the life of our dreams together.
  • To always be a supportive, nurturing partner just as he will be to me.

 

Presentation:

  • Take good care of your body.  Practice good hygiene and self-care daily.  Make sure you never let yourself begin to feel yucky (unless you are at work or another situation in which there is no way out of it).  Always make sure you feel comfortable in your body and feel good about yourself physically by making sure you are nice and clean, presentable and take pride in your appearance as you see it.  This is one of the first ways to make sure you feel good in your body and will have high self-esteem about your appearance.  If you ever find yourself feeling bad about yourself physically, take some time to pamper yourself to make yourself feel better, as that will usually do the trick.  And if it does not, call Daddy for a reminder of how beautiful you are.
  • Always wear a collar and cuff as symbol of your status as being officially “collared” and taken by your Daddy whenever possible.
  • Wear perfume or something to smell nice for Daddy whenever going to see him.  Favor soft fruity scents and avoid sharp opium-like ones.
  • Dress appropriately for the occasion, when going on a date dress specifically for that date, including proper footwear.  (IE: for a dinner date wear a dress and high heels, for a park date, wear a cute skirt that you wouldn’t mind getting dirty, and comfortable shoes if hiking or sandals if going to a beach, etc).
  • When entering the role of sub for formal purposes (a scheduled BDSM session of any kind) dress for the specific role, maximizing sex appeal and BDSM accessories such as cuffs, chains, headdresses and such.
  • Keep entirely of legs, bikini area and armpits clean shaven for Daddy’s comfort and enjoyment.
  • Do not make any bodily modifications without consulting your Daddy, including hair color changes.

 

Sexual:

  • You are sexually monogamous with your Dom, your body belongs to him, with bisexual provisions.  This means you must never allow any male to touch you in any intimate way.  Other females may touch you intimately but you must ask Daddy’s permission before becoming sexual with any woman.
  • Your vagina no longer belongs to you, it belongs to your Master.
  • When they are apart, the submissive may not pleasure herself without the Dom’s permission.  When she feels aroused and needs to pleasure herself she must seek his permission, and guidance/instructions  in how to pleasure herself and do so exactly as he says.
  • Having sex with Daddy is the highest priority whenever you see him.  It is important to have as much sex with Daddy as possible, as this is how you can exist in the deepest and fullest state of oneness with him.
  • Maintain a good oral relationship with Daddy’s penis by putting it in your mouth at least once during each time we have intercourse, on average, even if just briefly.  Try to perform fellatio in full (starting with lighter cock play and building intensity over the course of several minutes or more, bringing Daddy either to orgasm, near orgasm, or until he stops you for need to be inside of you) at least a couple times a week.
  • The submissive must not orgasm without the Dom’s permission.  When she is nearing orgasm, she must inform him and ask his permission to do so.  When he grants permission to orgasm, she must follow any instructions in how to have it.
  • When in control and servicing Daddy sexually, ask consent before doing anything extremely new and different, radically kinky, or at all painful (such as anal play).  If he hasn’t communicated a want for it and you have no other way to be sure whether he is in the mood for it or not, just ask.
  • The submissive shall indicate her desire or readiness for sexual contact in one of several ways that are acceptable to Master. This includes, but is not limited to, assuming a position of submission; voice and eye contact; mutually agreed upon physical contact.
  • The submissive will use her safe word anytime it is needed without restraint.  However The submissive shall not misuse her safe word. It is appropriately used only at times in which she feels her personal safety, either physical or mental (including fear), is compromised.
  • She will work hard to encourage her Dom sexually in all his ways through both her words and actions.
  • She will indulge his fantasies and fetishes fully no matter how kinky or taboo.
  • Bondage and spankings are not to be used for corrections, but are forms of play, not punishment.
  • Formal playtime/scenes will occur an agreed upon number of times per week regardless of schedule.
  • Both partners sexual needs must always be met by each other.
  • In sex, both partners are responsible for each others pleasure, and for communicating with each other in what will give them the pleasure they want.
  • The submissive must follow the Dom’s instructions on how to pleasure him with fervor and precision, making it her mission in sex to give him as much pleasure as possible and make him orgasm as hard as possible, as fast as he likes.
  • The submissive must orgasm when the Dom wishes, as many times as he wishes, as hard as he wishes, and in whatever ways he wishes, or not at all if he wishes.  The Dom is in complete control of the submissive’s orgasms.  Orgasms are a greatest gift given to the sub by the Dom.
  • The submissive shall help care for toys and ensure they are cleaned after use.

 

Domestic:

  • A clean home is a comfortable home.  Help Daddy to keep a clean home for us.  If Daddy is cleaning or doing chores and you do not have anything else to do, please join him.  Always try to clean up after yourself and if you notice that something needs to be cleaned and you have time to do it please do so.  If you feel like there may be things that need doing but aren’t sure what they are, ask Daddy if there are any household chores you can do.
  • When Daddy cooks for you offer him help with prep work and do the cleanup afterwards whenever possible.
  • Wash dishes as Daddy instructs.  Use the yellow side of the sponge for general purposes and only use the scrubby side for scrubbing stuck on gunk.  Be sure to wash every part of the dish, including the underside/outside of it.  Go over the inside of the dish twice in two broad circular motions, and then go over the outside of the dish once the same way.  Then if there is any stuck on gunk use the scrubby side on it before cleaning it again with the yellow side.
  • Bake for Daddy on at least a weekly basis.
  • The submissive is responsible for laundering his clothing

 

Physical Health:

  • Eat one square meal a day containing carbs, protein and vegetables.
  • Eat one serving or meal made up of raw foods each day.
  • Take one women’s multivitamin daily.
  • Do not eat animal products unless absolutely necessary.
  • Do not drink alcohol or use THC more than a couple times per week (three days in a week is already just about half the week and thus is too much, but weekend use is generally ok just as long as it isn’t all weekend every weekend, and isn’t used during every instance of quality time you get with Daddy).
  • Do not increase Nicotine use over time but instead decrease it.
  • Use caffeine only when necessary and keep it to less than every other day.
  • Guard yourself against addictions.
  • Maintain steady eating throughout the day.  Do not go long periods (5-6+ hours or so) without consuming some form of nutrients (junk foods or insubstantial foods that are mostly simple sugar do not count towards this).
  • Stay hydrated constantly with clean water or other beverages throughout each day.  Keep a water bottle with you wherever you go to ensure this.
  • Maintain good posture at all times by constantly checking in with your body to make sure you feel as tall and strong as possible, and be breathing full breaths.
  • Exercise 5+ days a week for at least 30 minutes each time, using the exercise routine Daddy has formulated and not making changes to it without consulting him first.
  • Get approximately 8 hours of sleep each night on average, going to bed by around midnight each night.

 

Mental Health:

  • Your Dom is your rock.  Keep him centered in your mind and thoughts for stability and strength and call upon him whenever you are not feeling good and need his support without hesitation or procrastination to prevent downward spirals.
  • You are a part of your Daddy now.  Anything negative you say about yourself also hurts him.  No negative self-talk.  Reframe such thoughts as soon as you notice them.
  • Do affirmations daily, when you first wake up, and as needed throughout the day.
  • No self-harm or other harmful treatment of yourself in any way.
  • Take medicine consistently as Doctor prescribes.
  • Take a sleeping pill before bed every night.
  • When disrespected by anyone, do not give any consideration to what they have said, when appropriate draw a boundary and assert that you should not be spoken to disrespectfully, and call Daddy for moral support.
  • When feeling nervous about something remind yourself that nervousness is just another form of excitement when you are about to do something significant.  When feeling anxious do not ruminate about your anxiety.  And do not take short quick shallow breaths but breathe slow deep full breaths down into your stomach.  Try to prevent yourself from getting tense and get into a comfortable relaxed position where you can calm down.  If these things do not help after a couple moments then call Daddy immediately for support before it turns into a panic attack.
  • When feeling sad or bad in any way, take a moment to evaluate whether or not the thing you feel bad about merits the extent of your feelings, and stop yourself from feeling worse than necessary by finding the right point to begin ignoring those feelings and finding something else to focus on.  If you are unable to move on from your negative thoughts and feelings by yourself then call Daddy for support immediately before it turns into depression.
  • Always remember that Daddy loves you more than anyone, and holds you in the highest regards thinking of you as an incredibly intelligent, talented, beautiful, impressive, and overall good girl.   It’s Daddy’s opinion about who you are that is the only one that matters and thus it trumps all other lesser opinions, including your own, and should be taken as the only valid truth about yourself, thus invalidating any other opinions of who you are and your worth.  Anytime your opinion of yourself falls beneath that of Daddy’s you must remind yourself of Daddy’s one absolute opinion of your true worth and identity as an incredibly intelligent, talented, beautiful, impressive, and good girl.

 

Other Misc. Formalities & Protocols:

  • Commitments to yourself, your personal development, your role as a sub, and your relationship and lifestyle with Daddy come first above all else in life.  You must never allow anything else to trump them, except in special cases which are exceptions to the rule (IE if an animal of yours is sick or hurt and needs to be taken to the vet).
  • Capitalize his names whenever writing them.  For instance, use a capital “D” when writing the words “Dom”, “Dominant” & “Daddy”.
  • Ask nicely using the word “please” when making any requests.
  • Always say thank you whenever Daddy does anything for you.
  • Allow Daddy to open doors for you unless you are in a rush.
  • Maintain good manners and proper etiquette as much as possible without being uncomfortably rigid.
  • Communicate about your needs and any other important issues with Daddy clearly and specifically.
  • Maintain a schedule and when you make plans with Daddy do not be late or reschedule unless absolutely necessary.  When you must be late, try not to be too late (more than 15 minutes), and when rescheduling, do it as much in advance as possible and try not to make very large changes.  Know that if you have plans with Daddy and are an hour or more late that it does drastically change those plans and create an inconvenience for us.  And when changing plans the closer to the time of the plans it gets and the larger the changes are, the more of an inconvenience it creates and the more uncomfortable it makes Daddy.  And you must never change or bail on plans once they have begun, as this has the greatest negative impact.  Your time with Daddy must be something you place the highest priority on.

 

Clothing

  • The Dom will decide upon how the sub will dress while they are together
  • At all times she will maintain her uniform.
  • she will always wear her collar at designated times. This may consist of separate collars for public, for service, and for play.
  • she is encouraged to show off her body through the use of provocative clothing.  He prefers this; but understands that she is not [yet] comfortable doing so.
  • When sleeping, she will either sleep naked or wear a night gown.

 

Correction

  • The submissive shall not run away, literally or figuratively, from problems or discussions about problems and their correction.
  • Correction will consist of pre-arranged punishments that will be enacted by the Dom, and carried out by the submissive in a disciplined fashion anytime a rule is broken.
  • Punishment will be delivered immediately upon infraction, and is expected to be carried out immediately in with total discipline by the submissive.
  • The submissive should expect a reasonable explanation of any rule or discipline.
    Correction will be explained prior to being enacted, and discussed afterwards as well.
  • Corrections will also involve discussion of the rule and its necessity, and anytime a submissive is struggling with a rule, it is open to being changed. However the submissive may not disobey rules and try to have them changed simply due to lack of discipline.  The submissive must make a disciplined effort to obey all rules, and then she may communicate about the ones that she is struggling with and feel should be changed.

 

Furthermore, in order to ensure that I am the best possible submissive for my Dominant, I agree to abide by the following rules for myself:

 

  • To obey his commands to the best of my ability as long as I know that they are in my best interest.
  • To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve him and limit my growth as his submissive.
  • To maintain honest and open communications with him, and to communicate as clearly as possible. To reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrass  To always keep a judgment free attitude in our relationship and communicate with sex positivity and communicate with respect to myself and him.
  • To inform him of my wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the sole judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied.
  • To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and never self deprecate, as I am now his, and a part of him, and so any disrespect of myself is disrespect to him.
  • To work with him to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual.
  • To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims.
  • To engage in any personal development and therapeutic work he may deem necessary, either with him, or an outside professional
  • To give myself completely to all personal development, social, spiritual, sexual and professional training he administers
  • To complete any and all tasks and homework that he gives me within the time frame he gives them to me, or if no time frame is given, to make them the priority that he tells me to and complete them within a reasonable time frame for the priority that they are.
  • To keep my body healthy and pure for him, free from toxins and impurities that would cause ailments, and free from STD’s, so that in this way I may be a pure and sacred vessel to receive his Dominance and his Penis with.
  • To not engage in sexual interactions with anyone that my Dominant does not instruct me to have them with. And that anyone of the male gender who is attempting to interact with me sexually will be instantly told that I currently have a Dom that I am dedicated to and cannot fraternize with them without permission.  Anyone of the female gender attempting to interact with me sexually will be instantly told that “I just need to see if my Daddy has any plans for me today,” and then get my Dominant’s permission to engage in sexual activities with them, which he generally condones.
  • To always address him by the titles that he wishes to be addressed by, those being Daddy, Sir, and Master, or by name. And to always be respectful, polite and courteous to him outside of bratty play.
  • To do my best to immediately correct any adverse behaviors that he asks me to correct, and to communicate with him when he does something I do not like, so that the relationship does not become damaged.
  • To allow him to make all decisions for me, and to always ask his permission before doing anything that I am not sure what he would think about.
  • To be there for him in service whenever he calls upon me. And whenever there is a distance between us to be overcome, to do my best to overcome it as soon as possible.
  • To keep a clear list of sexual interests and disinterests with him to ensure safe, comfortable, and fulfilling sexual play between us.
  • To allow him the physical sexual use of my body to the complete fulfillment of all of his sexual needs as long as they fall within my limits and do not make me feel violated.
  • To consider his sexual pleasure my sexual pleasure, and to use all of my powers and skills to please him and give him as much pleasure as he desires every day.
  • To engage in submissive mental reprogramming that will assist in self actualizing me subconsciously as a submissive for him.
  • To engage in fantasies as he instructs while we are apart.

 

I understand that when I am a good girl for my Dom and my behavior pleases him I will be rewarded with affirmations of how good I am, sweet treats, being coddled and pampered, given massages, given sexual pleasure and orgasms, romantic dinners, and being serenaded, given special privileges and having any and all of my desires fulfilled.  However I fully realize that my Dom is also a very strict Master, and when I am bratty, behave badly, or knowingly break the rules and regulations I will be immediately reprimanded and lectured on what I have done wrong, and will accept an immediate punishment for behavioral correction, which I will carry out in a thorough and disciplined fashion and make an effort to correct my bad behavior and be a better sub for my Dom.  I will accept lecture from my Dominant before, during and after the punishment, and will engage in discussion on the need for the rule in question and my behavioral modification.

 

I understand that punishments are definitively different from “impact play” and such “funishments” that are done in role play such as spankings which are meant to be an enjoyable form of play.  Actual punishments are meant to elicit mindfulness and correct behaviors, and are meant to be unpleasant.  I understand that acting bratty outside of pre-agreed upon role play will only be seen as defiance and disobedience and will not result in “funishments” such as spanking, but a real punishment to correct my behavior, and so I agree not to act bratty or otherwise badly as a form of role play unless I pre-arrange it with my Dom.  I agree to abide by all punishments for any infractions of rules, even though it will be unpleasant to do so, and will not act bratty, defiant or rebellious in response to being punished or try to manipulate my Dom and try to get away with breaking rules and getting out of being punished, or carry out my punishment poorly without due mindfulness.

 

I vow to be a disciplined sub and will accept punishment where necessary in order to sustain a healthy relationship structure with my Dom and to better myself as a sub.  These punishments will be any of the following:

  • Written Affirmations, such as “I am a bad girl”, “I will behave better in the future”, “I will not do X”, or “I will do X”
  • Re-reading and reciting the rules
  • Having privileges taken away and restrictions of freedoms and the fulfillment of desires (such as no sweets, TV, orgasms, bedtime stories, etc.)
  • Doing chores and acts of service for my Dominant
  • A letter of apology to the Dominant.
  • An oral presentation on why what I did was wrong, what I have learned, and how I will correct my behavior

 

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and will in no way diminish my own responsibility to know what I want, what is best for me, how I want to live, and who I want to be as a person.  But I do surrender all of my responsibilities over myself and my life to my Dominant so that he may take care of me physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, sexually, and career wise and help me to achieve my wants, needs, desires, goals, aspirations, dreams and become the person that I want to be and live the life I want to live.  And so except for my responsibility to know my own mind and communicate it to my Dominant, I give up responsibility over myself and my own care to my Dominant to be my caregiver, and entrust my care in him fully and completely, knowing that he will use his Dominance over me to the fullest of his powers to care for me in the ways I need and help me to self actualize as the submissive woman I want to be.

 

In the love that I have for my Dominant I vow to surrender my body for his sexual use and submit to him sexually to fulfill all of his desires (within the limits of my consent), and to be the best sex partner I can possibly be as his submissive.  And so for that purpose I express enthusiastic consent to the following sex acts to occur in our sexual partnership should the desire for them arise:

  1. Age play (age 10+)
  2. Anal sex
  3. Small-Medium Anal plugs
  4. Animal roles
  5. Asphyxiation
  6. Analingus (giving)
  7. Analingus (receiving)
  8. Bathroom use control
  9. Beating (soft)
  10. Beating (hard)
  11. Blindfolds
  12. Being bitten (soft)
  13. Being bitten (hard)
  14. Being Branded or Tattooed (by a professional)
  15. Dom drinking sub’s blood
  16. Breath control
  17. Bondage (light)
  18. Bondage (heavy)
  19. Cages/Cells/Closets (locked inside of)
  20. Caning
  21. Cervical Stimulation
  22. Chains
  23. Choking (light)
  24. Choking (Hard)
  25. Clitoral Stimulation
  26. Clitoris sucking
  27. Clitoris nibbling
  28. Collars
  29. Costumes & Uniforms (wearing)
  30. Cuddling
  31. Cuffs
  32. Cunnilingus (receiving)
  33. Cunnilingus (giving)
  34. Daddy Dom/Little Girl Role Play
  35. Degradation (humiliation, name calling, spitting, abusive behavior)
  36. Denied privacy
  37. Dildos
  38. Double Penetration (of Dildo & Penis)
  39. Electro play (receiving)
  40. Ejaculation in mouth
  41. Ejaculation in Vagina
  42. Ejaculation in Anus
  43. Enemas (for cleansing)
  44. Erotic dancing for Dom
  45. Erotic Hypnosis/Orgasmic Mind Control:
  46. Exhibitionism:
  47. Fellatio
  48. Face slapping
  49. Fantasy rape
  50. Causing Fear
  51. Fingering in Vagina (up to 5 fingers)
  52. Fingering in Anus (up to 3 fingers)
  53. Fisting (vaginal)
  54. Fisting (Anal)
  55. Fire play
  56. Flogging
  57. Forced masturbation
  58. Forced nudity (private)
  59. Forced nudity (around others)
  60. Forced servitude
  61. Gags
  62. Golden showers in a bathtub
  63. Having hair played with
  64. Hair pulling
  65. Hand jobs (giving)
  66. Harnessing (leather and or rope)
  67. Hostage Scenes
  68. Humiliation
  69. Ice cubes
  70. Immobilization
  71. Incest Play
  72. Kissing
  73. Knife Play
  74. Licking
  75. Manhandling/Rough Play
  76. Masochistic Scenes (pain play)
  77. Massage (giving)
  78. Massage (receiving)
  79. Modeling for erotic photos for private viewing
  80. Modelling for erotic photos to be posted on pornographic websites
  81. Mommy Domme/Little Boy Role Play
  82. MFF Threesomes
  83. Multiple Orgasms
  84. Nipple play (receiving)
  85. Nipple play (Giving)
  86. Nipple pinching and clamps
  87. Nipple rings (piercing)
  88. Orgasm denial, control & training
  89. Paddling
  90. Pain (mild)
  91. Pain (severe)
  92. Primal Play
  93. Psychedelic drug use during sex
  94. Public sex
  95. Punishment Scene
  96. Recording erotic videos for private viewing
  97. Recording erotic videos to be posted on pornographic websites
  98. Riding Crop
  99. Role playing
  100. Romantic Love-Making
  101. Rope Play
  102. Scratching (receiving)
  103. Sensory deprivation
  104. Sensual/Sensation Play:
  105. Sex Games
  106. Sex Magick Rituals
  107. Slave positions training
  108. Spanking
  109. Strap-on dildo receiving
  110. Strap-on dildo giving
  111. Squirting Orgasms
  112. Swallowing semen
  113. Switching D/s Roles
  114. Tantric Energy Work/Massage
  115. Tantric Sex
  116. Tape Over Mouth
  117. Throat Fucking
  118. Tickling (anywhere but feet of sub)
  119. Torture (extreme pain based play, abusive treatment, degradation & humiliation)
  120. Vaginal/G-spot Massage
  121. Vagina & Anal Stimulation (simultaneous with penis, fingers or vibrator)
  122. Verbal humiliation
  123. Vibrator on genitals
  124. Vibrator in Anus
  125. Video recording of sex acts (private)
  126. Video recording of sex acts (for internet display)
  127. U-spot stimulation
  128. Wax play
  129. Whipping
  130. Wrestling nude

And so with all of these parameters for our formal D/s relationship, submissive training and BDSM lifestyle laid out, I _____________________________ do agree with lucidity and the realization of what this means, in the conviction that this offer will be entreated in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, and devotion in which it is given.  And let it be known that I am agreeing to this arrangement consciously in being of sound mind and that I am not being forced into it or doing so in an altered state of mind, but that I am making a healthy, conscientious, and educated decision to enter into this relationship solely because I believe ____________________________ to be the best Dominant to meet my needs and the only one who is right for me.  I have absolutely no reason to believe that I am mentally unfit to enter into this form of structured relationship.

This arrangement is completely voluntary.  And as such, should either of us find that our needs or aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement. We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the Dominant/submissive structure and control stated within this agreement, but is not necessarily a total termination of our relationship as friends and lovers. Upon cancellation, each of us agrees to offer to the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly.  And if we wish to re-evaluate and re-structure the relationship a new contract may be drawn up at that time.

This agreement shall serve as the basis for our commitment to our relationship in a training period.  And with this contract we dedicate ourselves to in the spirit of loving and consensual Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness, exploration, promoting health and happiness, fulfillment and success and improving both our lives in every way we wish to on our journey together as Dom and sub, which this training period is meant to be the beginning of.  With this contract I accept the training collar that my Dom will give me in our official collaring ceremony as a symbol of my bondage to him as his official submissive in training.

I acknowledge that this contract is meant to be a preliminary and temporary training contract for an initial structure of our Dominant/submissive relationship.  This temporary training period is for the purpose of training me in submission to my Dominant and in the BDSM lifestyle, and for structuring and engineering our relationship and lifestyle together as Dominant and submissive.  This training period shall last approximately 90 days, at which point the relationship will be re-evaluated and may be changed to continued, either under another training contract, or an official Dom/sub Relationship Contract.  The training contract may be ended before the 90 day end date if the Dominant declares that the training has been completed and annuls the contract himself.  If the training period has not ended at that time, the contract may be extended as is, or edited and revised to suit a more advanced level of training.  Once the training period is completed this contract will be void and if we wish to advance to an official Dominant/submissive relationship a new contract will be instated in its place, along with a collaring ceremony officiating our bond as Dominant and submissive and my Masters formally recognized ownership of me in the Kink/BDSM community.

And now with the signing of this contract, I hereby acknowledge that I fully agree to abide by the terms and conditions of this relationship contract and do officially become _________________________’s submissive in training.

 

I offer my consensual submission to ________________________ as my Dominant, under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of ____________ in the year _____.

_____________________________________
signature of submissive

 

I offer my acceptance of the consensual submission by ___________________________ as my submissive, under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of ____________ in the year _____

_____________________________________
Signature of Dominant

 

 

 

 

 

Now notice that this is what is called a “training contract”.  In BDSM this is like a probationary period of a relationship for the first 90 days or maybe 120 in which the submissive is being acclimated to the specific Dom she is with and the type of person that he is, and the type of D/s relationship and BDSM lifestyle that he wants to have with her, and her him, which usually requires her being trained in certain things, and just generally needing some time to adjust and get used to all of the protocols, policies and procedures involved as outline by the terms and conditions of their contract.  And while of course relationships outside of the BDSM world will not need this, it is still good to have an initial contract and probationary period so that you two can get used to each other and being in relationship mode, before taking things to the next level and doing something serious such as moving in together.  And so if you are not in BDSM instead of calling your first contract a “Training Contract” you could call it a “Probationary Contract”.

 

During the probationary period you will basically be evaluating the person/relationship and seeing if they are right for you, and if the contract you have devised is right for you as well, and what compromises need to be made, and if any terms and conditions need to be subtracted, edited/revised, or added on.   So you may be thinking “wow that’s a lot of terms and conditions just for a probationary period.”  And yes, but they aren’t meant to be too much, because they aren’t meant to be strict, they are things that we are trying out to see how they work.  This is a trial period so lots of compromises will be made, the sub would not be in big trouble anytime she broke a rule or anything like that.  And of course if you are not into BDSM you wouldn’t need something as complicated as this, but at least you know what kind of options you have for creating your own probationary contract.

 

By the time you are done with this probationary period you will know exactly how well you match up with the person and if they are right for you, if the kind of D/s relationship you two have arranged is right for you, and how to proceed.  From there you can either completely re-negotiate your relationship and first contract and re-do the probationary period with a new one, or you can choose to take it to the next level with a more advanced contract after revising and elaborating upon the first one, bringing you into an official and semi-permanent relationship.  I say semi-permanent because even if you have permanency in mind for your ideal relationship situation and would like to consider this person a life partner, your contracts should only last for a duration of 6 months to a year.  After which time you will want to re-evaluate, re-negotiate and revise your relationship contract again.  So your relationship has the opportunity to advance and evolve in a new phase on a yearly basis, which is a great way to keep your relationship progressing and growing over the years you intend to spend together.  And it also will prevent any issues you may have with the terms and conditions of your agreements from becoming long term problems since they will be periodically re-evaluated and re-negotiated.

 

And interestingly enough, along with these relationship contracts, in the BDSM world there are also special collars or other forms of jewelry worn by the submissives (such as bracelets and rings), which are basically a variation of the traditional “engagement ring” worn by a woman who is to be wed, and these collars are given to the submissives in a “collaring ceremony”.  So this entire custom is basically a replica of the tradition of marriage, and is just as special, but is also more technical and meant to ensure a successful relationship, which unfortunately traditional marriage is not.   We have an entire system in place here that is not just meant to romanticize the relationship and make it feel special like marriage does, and this does very well too, but also it systematizes the relationship and creates the specific conditions necessary for it to thrive and grow over time (unlike traditional marriage).  So that is why anyone, even those who are not into BDSM, should use this as a model for themselves in their love life in order to ensure that their relationships can be successful as well.  I hope that reading this has been both informative and inspirational for you.  And that regardless of whether you are involved in BDSM or not, you will take what you have seen here and use it to formulate your own relationship structure and contract so that you can have the successful partnership that you want to have most ultimately.  And if you are a spiritual and/or religious person and the type of commitment you are looking for ideally involves marriage, keep on reading because I have you covered there as well.

 

 

 

 

The Institution of Marriage

 

 

After you have been in a relationship with someone for a couple of years or more you may start thinking that you would like this commitment to be an officially lifelong one, and thus that you may want to institute a marriage into it.  Marriage has always been a hot topic in society, something that people just seem to enjoy thinking about.  Committing yourself to one person for life and the two people becoming an inseparable unit is something that people like the concept of.  And it is seen as the ultimate goal of monogamous relationships.  But there is a problem with how people think about it.  They like the idea of getting married more than they end up liking being in a marriage.  So before you can institute marriage in your relationship, it is important to understand the institution of marriage fully first.  Marriage most essentially is a vow to partnership with someone with which your relationship becomes a solid bond and that should come before all other relationships.  It is something that requires dedication and commitment and a lifetime of working together on your relationship.  It is something that requires a lot of relationship skills and the right mindset.  Yet of course these things are not taught in schools, or by our parents, or anywhere accessible.  So most people do not have the skills to make a long term relationship work, even if the bond is sealed and officiated in a marriage ceremony.  However most people think that said marriage ceremony will be like a magic trick that will somehow compensate for their lack of relationship skills, and will ensure that they are going to live happily ever after with their partner.  So marriage attracts a lot of people who want it simply because they love the romantic ideals they have about marriage being a part of a fairy tale romance and that a beautiful marriage ceremony is what makes a relationship, and with it comes “happily ever after”.   When unfortunately without having the skills to keep a relationship progressing and growing over the rest of your lives, all you have done is created a distinct peak in the relationship, and after that it’s all downhill from there.  This is why it is so important to do things like I taught in the sexual section about giving your relationship ways to grow sexually over time through a process of sexual exploration.  The same should be true for other aspects of your relationship as well.  And you should be getting married simply as a part of that process of growing together and strengthening your bond more and more over time.  You should not be doing it because you like the idea of getting married, or simply as a legal formality, or for financial reasons.

 

Myself as a spiritual person I have always enjoyed the idea of marriage in the sense of exchanging vows with a life partner in a spiritual ceremony meant to officiate our love long union.  However I never understood why this spiritual aspect of the marriage vows were not more the focus of the contract, and why the contract was only focused on the monetary aspects, and similarly the ceremonies had grown so superficial and lacking in spirituality.  This could be part of the reason why most marriages fail, they are lacking in the spiritual meaning that they once were supposed to be based upon.  And that marriage had since become a socio-political institution that now serves only the purpose of legally negotiating the monetary aspects of the union.  This has caused marriage to become more of a way for financially predatory women to gain half of a mans assets, which many females enter into under the pretense of it being a life long partnership in which they will be there for him “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer”, when in actuality this is a lie and what they really mean is that they will be with him for however long it is convenient, beneficial and enjoyable to them, and when it stops being so they will file for divorce and take half of his assets and leave him high and dry.   And with the religious aspects of it not helping to counteract the growing superficial nature of the institution, and not even doing so much as to provide significantly specific vows that would create real terms and conditions for this ultimate social contract, the religious side itself obviously isn’t giving it enough meaning and just isn’t working.

 

And so I decided that there needs to be a psychological spiritual solution to this political and religious problem that the institution of marriage has become.  Marriage after all is supposed to be an institution surrounding the everlasting psychological and spiritual union of two partners who wish to be mated for life.  The reason that it is no longer working in modern culture is because it has become a thing that is only legal, political and financial in nature, with a bit of religious formality for the sake of superficial packaging to make it look nicer.  Beyond that there is no more deeper significance to it.  When it should be about the psychological and spiritual bond of the two people.  No law, politics or church need to be involved.  As long as the two partners have made standing agreements and contracts before in the past and can trust that one anothers word is their bond, a Marriage is just another level of commitment, one which is most ideally and ultimately psychological and spiritual in nature, and for which they can write their own specialized contract, and conduct a very special spiritual ceremony.  And for my purposes as a metaphysicist and Tantric Shaman, here is what I have formulated for my own Constitution of Marital Congress.  If you are a very traditional person, you may not be into the same “alternative spirituality” as I am, but this can at least inspire you and give you ideas of how you can engineer your own special form of marriage for your partnership.

 

 

The Constitution of Marital Congress

 

The Constitution of Marital Congress

 

 

  1. A marriage between two people will be constituted and officiated by three things:
    1. Being “In Love” (see 2)
    2. Exchanging energies, namely through
      1. Exchanging Prana through Kiss
      2. Sexual Intercourse
      3. Other fluid exchange
    3. Other officiating ceremonious events, namely
      1. The exchanging of vows
      2. The signing of a marriage contract
      3. An officiating ceremony
  2. A Ceremony will be conducted (see 5) in order to officiate the marriage and the following three things will also take place, further officiating the union (See 6):
    1. A tattoo or other permanent mark on each partner
    2. The signing of this constitution of marital congress as a Spiritually/Energetically/Karmically/Dharmicallyu binding document
    3. Living together and starting a family
  3. On Being “In Love”
    1. Both partners must acknowledge that (true) love is the concept of the ultimate energetic state of the consciousness of god, especially regarding its enlightening effect on the physical realm, and it is not just an emotion. And that their love is not solely based on emotion but is in fact ultimate, divine & pure, based upon the universal concept of true love and gods consciousness itself.
    2. Both partners must acknowledge that, knowing what true love is, they do not only love each other, but all things, however they have found the most enlightening form of love through each other, which has lead them to feel the rapture of the godhead through one another and lead them into an ultimate state of being together which they wish to make permanent and eternal together as energetically bonded marital partners.
    3. Both partners must profess that although they love all things and know that love is not a personal “thing”, they feel love in its most ultimate and perhaps truest sense in that which they feel for their partner, and that they feel the divine in them more than they do in anything else. And that in their love for their partner they wish to be bonded in marriage for all eternity.
    4. The partners wish to join into this union of holy matrimony not for the sake of custom but in order to further complete themselves spiritually in their partnership, and moreover to help each other experience and learn about love through each other, and learn about the Divine through their love together, and to grow together spiritually and attain enlightenment together, for all eternity.
    5. Partners must know and declare that they know this love for one another is infinite and eternal as the true concept itself and that the each partner can trust in the others love for them above all, no matter what happens and they will hold it as sacred in the utmost holiness, and always be devoted to each other in this holy union
    6. This Love constitutes the majority of the marriage. When the love began, so did the marriage.  Now the bond must simply be officiated karmically ( and in some cases for practical purposes, legally).
  4. Sexual intercourse and the exchange of energy, prana and bodily fluids will consummate the marriage.
    1. If sexual intercourse has been had previously between these two partners then the marriage has already been opened and must now be sealed with an officiating act of consummation during the marriage ceremony.
    2. Both partners must vow that they hold the act of sexual intercourse to be of the utmost sacredness as a union of their bodies and spirits into oneness together as yin and yang.
    3. Both partners must vow to satisfy each other sexually in their relationship and to practice sacred sexuality together and dedicate themselves to giving each other divine experiences through pleasure, orgasm, Tantra and Sex Magick.
    4. The partners should Consummate the marriage during the ceremony immediately following the vows in which they kiss and thus exchange prana and bodily fluid containing their DNA. This spiritually officiates the bond made by their vows and intentions to be dedicated to each other in marriage in the ways stated in the vows.
    5. The partners should consummate the marriage during the ceremony with sexual intercourse in which they both achieve orgasm and the mans phallus absorbs the womans vaginal fluids, as well as injecting his semen into hers, thus bonding them spiritually on the deepest level by planting their spiritual seeds into each other.
    6. Both partners can and should exchange blood through drinking or other means, whereby introducing one another’s pure life force into each other’s being permanently, fully effectuating the existential and spiritual bond.
  5. Marriage Vows
    1. Both partners should write their own unique personalized set of marriage vows that they then vow to uphold for the rest of their lives.
    2. If a vow is broken the marriage may be null and void and the partner breaking the vow is subject to their due castigation at the hands of their partner, which they must receive diligently, as well as their karmic punishments.
    3. If the partner who has been wronged by the other wishes to keep them in marriage then they may choose to do so and it is up to them to decide their partners penance in order to be absolved. The wrongdoer in turn must do exactly as their partner requires if they wish to save the marriage.  And in many cases using a marriage counselor is advisable.
    4. If the marriage is broken because of a breaking of vows or wrongdoing then the wrongdoer must not attempt to remove his tattoo and must inform all future suitors of his previous marriage and the wrongdoing that ended it.
    5. Some vows are conditional and situational, such as the vow to obey. Such things are to be considered by the partners for their dharma during their married life, but, being debatable in many circumstances, should only be cause for the breaking of marriage in extreme circumstances.  If a great disagreement occurs over such a type of vow then it should be resolved by a third, neutral party, such as a marriage counselor or advisor.
    6. Though the vows should be highly personalized and unique, there are a few fundamentals, which are as follows:
      1. Vow to love
      2. Vow to care for and support in every way possible
      3. Vow to never intentionally harm or violate in any way
      4. Vow to attempt to meet all needs (see 7)
      5. Vow to pleasure and satisfy sexually (see 10)
    7. The vows constitute the essence of the marriage contract, and once signed they are karmically binding and the intention to be dedicated to each other in these ways officiates your karmic union in holy matrimony.
    8. After writing the vows on the marriage contract the couple may add any other needs or contractual clauses they wish to, which will have been agreed upon before hand. And then once signed this becomes karmically binding, and may be made legal for practical purposes as well.
  6. The Marriage Ceremony
    1. The ceremony should be conducted on an ideal astrological day, in a sacred space opened specially for the marriage ceremony in a very special secluded spot and before a sacred fire which has been made specifically the purpose of the marriage ceremony.
    2. The two partners should then, in the sacred space, before God, The Gods and Goddesses, Their Spirit Guides, the other Powers That Be, and the entire Universe, definitively profess their love for one another (see 2), acknowledging and reciting all of their own personalized set of marriage vows (see 4), then throwing the paper into the sacred fire to have it vibrate throughout infinity along with the resonance of their words to be made official and permanent in the akashic records and throughout infinity.
    3. There should also be a permanent copy of this karmic contract present which each partner writes their vows upon, then signing it (see X).
    4. The partners should have created a shared magickal sigil to symbolize their union beforehand. And after the reciting of the vows they should each exchange an emblem that they have made of this symbol to serve as a magickal talisman for their spiritual union for each partner to keep, binding them to one another magickally. This talisman should be kept by the partners on their person at all times until they can have the sigil tattooed on their body.  These talismans must be held together in the hands of the partners and charged and blessed with their energies for these purposes.  Then the emblem must also be offered to a chosen Divine Couple to bless it and their marriage as well.
    5. The partners should then consummate their marriage first through a kiss and a communion and mergence of each others prana.
    6. A communion of the partners choice of entheogens should be taken as a symbol of them being blessed in their union by the Earth, Forces of Nature, and the Shamanic Medicine, and they will go on a “vision quest” together to begin their mystical journey together and get initiated shamanically as a spiritual couple.
    7. The couple should then do an I Ching Divination, or divination using the oracle of their choice, to prophesize and prepare for their life together.
    8. The couple should then pray together to their chosen Gods, Goddesses, Spirits and other Powers That Be for blessings for their marriage and life together, and engage in any magickal work they wish to do to further bless their marriage and life together.
    9. The couple should then take a communion of each other’s blood, thus sacrificing their life force unto each other, and mixing both of their life force together within their bodies as a symbol of their physical dedication to each other in life in this world.
    10. Then the partners must consummate their holy matrimony through sexual intercourse and the exchange of sexual fluids. Intercourse should be continued throughout the ceremony until each of the partners have had sufficient divine experiences through orgasm and the male has introduced his semen/spirit into the woman.
    11. Immediately following lovemaking the partners should enter a meditation together to dissolve their spirits and consciousness into oneness together which they should continue for as long as they can hold the asana.
    12. After these officiating activities have been completed the remainder of the marriage ceremony should be spent in celebration, enjoying any other activities they wish to (IE feasting, dancing, talking, etc)
    13. The ceremony may be concluded when both partners feel spiritually exhausted and emptied, having given all of their energy to the universe at which point the marital union has been fully imprinted in the akashic records and all of infinity to the greatest extent possible, and effectuated as an spiritual initiation into divine coupleship. And so when they are ready they may conclude the ceremony and close the sacred space if they wish to leave it to go to bed together, or leave it open and sleep there.  Any dreams had should be documented in the morning and the possible spiritual significance be discussed with the partner.
    14. As many cultural traditions may be added to the ceremony as the partners wish to pay homage to, and if need be they may use their local courts legal officiating practices for practical purposes if need be, though this is not necessary.
  7. The further metaphysical officiating of the marital union.
    1. A tattoo of their marriage symbol will be placed on each other’s hearts or other spiritually significant chosen place on the body as soon after the ceremony as possible. This mark must be visible & permanent for all to see.  Whenever the tattoo begins to fade it must be made fully bold and visible again.
    2. After the partners bodies have been marked with the marriage tattoo the Talisman’s do not need to be kept on their person anymore, but may be kept on their altar(s).
    3. The signed marriage constitution & contract must be placed on the altar immediately following the ceremony and kept there for as long as the marriage lasts.
    4. If possible the partners must live together and conduct co-operative spiritual practices of any nature, and should start a family, and/or integrate into one anothers family if they have already had a child or children (see 8).
  8. Each partner can and should have a list of needs that must be vowed to be met as possible, and must be met as possible. If any of these needs are not being met, nor is an attempt being made to meet them, unless it is not possible for them to be met, this is (the same as) the breaking of a marriage vow.
  9. The marriage ceremony turns the two partners into family, and it is auspicious for them to start a family together once married. If either partner already has a child or children the other partner must be ready and willing to take on the responsibilities and title of a parent, if they are not then the couple should not be wed, if they are then they should be bestowed the title of Parent over the children and should act as such, as if the children were their own.
  10. Sexual intercourse should be had regularly and as often as possible during the course of the marriage, ideally daily. But it should never be forced.  However, but if one partners sexual needs are not being met the partners should seek professional help, and if the partners needs still can not be met thiss constitutes the end of the marriage as it is a breaking of a vow (see 7).  This only is constituted by one partners refusal to meet the other’s sexual needs (which does not, for instance, include sexual dysfunction, simple dissatisfaction, frustration, or lack of attraction).
  11. On Previous marriages
    1. The other partner should have full knowledge of any previous marriages, and all serious romantic relationships for that matter, namely the parts which were disabling to the marriage and caused it not to work, so that the partners can learn from the past marriage(s) so that the same mistakes will not be made. It is the partners job who has been previously married to inform his new partner about all of the most important points of his previous marriage before marrying them.
    2. Once the marriage has been officiated they will forget all other marriages they have ever had and consider them null and void, and let go of their energetic ties to past partners, which may be cut with a ritual knife if need be.
    3. The past marriage(s) and other serious romantic relationships will not be brought up superfluously, but rather only when absolutely necessary. This marriage should never be compared to any past marriages.  When bringing up the past marriage it should only be done in a constructive manner.  The current partner should never be made to feel the least bit compromised by the other partners remembrance of other past relationships.
  12. The ending of the marriage
    1. For broken marriage vows see 4b-f
    2. If both partners are unhappy with the marriage let them meet with a marriage counselor and attempt for at least one year to make the marriage work. If they still both wish to part they may do so however they must forever bear their marriage mark.  All future suitors should be informed of their failed marriage.
    3. If one partner dies then the other partner must observe a mourning period of at least one year. If the dying partner left any wishes they should be carried out above all else for the rest of the remaining partners life.  The death of a partner does not void the marriage and the two partners will be reunited upon the others death, where they will continue their life together for all eternity.

 

 

 

 

We both give our word that we now enter into this contractual union of marriage freely, consciously and of our own intentions, on this ____ day of ____________, 20___ and agree to fully abide by this contract until death do us part.

________________________________                                                ________________________________
Signature                                                                                                       Signature

 

 

________________________________                                                ________________________________

Print                                                                                                                Print

 

 

 

 

And there you have it.  An alternative form of marriage that is completely spiritual.  Very exotic isn’t it?  Yes I know.  And obviously many or maybe most of the aspects of it won’t be right for you.  But the purpose of this is to show you how you can build a marriage contract and ceremony that is right for you and your partner based upon the beliefs and customs that are important to you in the traditions that you both follow.

 

The only thing that is missing here is the legal aspect.  But why would you need that if both parties involved can trust each others word, and have proven so through the adherence to previous contracts?  If marriage is important to you it should be for spiritual reasons, not legal or financial ones.  And if it is important to one of you for legal or financial reasons, that is simply a sign that you do not have true love and are marrying for the wrong reasons, and marriage really is not right for you.  But for those who have real love and a spiritual connection that is motivating them to want to get married, this should be a beautiful option.  One that is freeing, rather than entrapping.  Marriage shouldn’t be about trapping each other in a financially binding situation.  It should be about two people uniting and officially becoming one together in their spiritual union.  And officiating and celebrating that union through a well worded contract and a beautiful and magickal ceremony.  That would make for a very great marriage.  There is nothing more romantic than that, and it is certainly exponentially more romantic than the superficial tradition of marriage as it is today. So use my model presented here as a template to formulate your own marriage that will be unique to your relationship and something truly special and amazing for you and your partner to do together.  It will be sure to be the greatest event of your life.

 

Conclusion – Communication Is Key

 

 

So now you have learned about all the different levels of relationship contracts and their varying dynamics and structures, as well as the communication and negotiations necessary to get you there.  I hope that you will use this knowledge to develop and manage the successful relationships you want to have with your ideal mates.  Now those of you who are not into BDSM might have at one point or another while reading this thought to yourself “well what if someone I’m dating and who I really like thinks it is weird that I want to talk about the terms and conditions of our relationship and try to give it some structure, and they don’t want to do it?”  This is a valid concern because it probably will happen with a significant number of the people you go out on dates with.  This is due to the fact that modern culture is more of a hookup culture than a traditional courtship and relationship oriented culture, which is because many people in it are scared of commitment and have intimacy issues, so they are afraid of going into relationship mode at all.  That is why someone will not want to discuss the terms and conditions of your relationship, not because it is wrong to do so, but because they probably do not want to go into relationship mode at all, or have any kind of serious relationship conversations.

 

Now there may be times when you find yourself really attracted to someone like this who just seems to want to keep it casual, and your baser instincts are telling you to just keep seeing them and try to see if you can somehow convince them to change and become more relationship oriented towards you over time, and that maybe if you seduce them or make them fall in love with you it is possible.  And the only way to get such people into relationships is by not being up front about your intentions and communicating outright about relationships as I have taught you, but instead taking an opposite approach and using covert manipulation tactics such as getting them sexually addicted to you and then basically tricking them into ending up stuck in a relationship with you over time like boiling frog alive by starting it off in cold water and increasing the temperature over time.  That may be how a lot of relationships form out of this hookup culture, but it is not healthy or sustainable.  What I have taught you here is.

 

Healthy communication creates a healthy and lasting relationship.  Anyone who doesn’t want to practice healthy communication with you is not going to be a healthy partner and simply should be avoided, no matter how attracted to them you may be or what else you may think about them.  It will already take enough time for you to find your ideal match who you can cultivate a good relationship with, you will not have time to invest in people who just want to keep it casual, or may even get you into an unhealthy “situationship.”  And anytime you invest in casual dating or being in situationships that aren’t going anywhere is time you are wasting as it is taking you away from the process of relationship development, and you may very well be missing out on opportunities to be developing one with your ideal match.  And developing a real relationship already takes years, and I can say with certainty that it will take more than one try at that before are able to cultivate one that will stick and last as long as you want it to.  So make sure you are not wasting your time but are only investing it in interactions with the right people and sticking to the process I have laid out for you here (especially for you women out there, who are going to tend to age faster than men and have a fertility window that you need to be aware of if starting a family is important to you).

 

If you are looking for a serious relationship, as long as you are following the linear progression I have laid out for you here and having the appropriate conversations at the appropriate times and not trying to rush into creating a contract with someone who you have only been dating for a couple months, then the type of person who will avoid such conversations and may say that it seems weird to discuss the terms and conditions of your relationship is simply not the right person for you.  In fact that is simply just a part of the vetting process in your dating and is a good thing to find out sooner rather than later.   You may even find that some people who want to be sexual with you may want to avoid the conversation about sexual consent, even if both of you have expressed an interest in a purely sexual relationship.  This again is a red flag that this person is not right for you.  Remember that this process is not just about finding someone to lock down, you aren’t having these conversations just to negotiate your way into a relationship.  A large part of your communication in the first half of this process is about vetting to find the right person to have a relationship with.  And if you are talking to someone who you just aren’t communicating well because they seem to be speaking a different language, or they just don’t seem interested in putting in much effort into communicating well (as is needed for a healthy relationship), then they just aren’t relationship material for you.

 

No matter what kind of relationship you are looking for, be it something more traditional or more alternative, these communication tools I have given you here should be used as specifically as possible in order to get what you want as specifically as possible.  Just remember that the specific details are what makes or breaks a relationship, by providing structure that is either easily broken, or unbreakable.  And so you must use the power of language to be as specific and detailed as possible.  Relationships are social contracts.  And communication is the foundation of any relationship.  The more you are communicating, the more of a relationship you have.  The better you are communicating, the better the relationship you have.  The deeper your conversations, the deeper your connection.   Communication causes understanding.  Communication creates intimacy.  Communication is what brings two people together and creates the social contract that causes them to become partners in which they are two parts of a greater whole.  Communication causes those two parts to synergize in such a fashion that the whole of this partnership becomes greater than the sum of its parts.  For in a relationship two people can achieve greater heights together than they ever would independently of each other.

 

Communication is how you also can keep your relationship alive and keep your partner feeling close to you during times when you are apart.  Communication is how you will also do the relationship work necessary to keep your relationship functioning well during tough times, such as the time we are in now as I write this which is one of social difficulty due to the social distancing of the quarantines during the pandemic.  Communication is how you will do conflict resolution to make sure that when faced with problems, your relationship will not be broken by them, but instead can grow stronger.  Communication can turn an issue into re-negotiation of a relationship contract in which it only becomes better and more complete than it was before.  That is the power of good communication.  And that is why communication is the most important and foundational aspect of a relationship.  Your entire relationship and all of its structure is built upon the foundation of your relationship contracts, and the keystone of your relationship contracts is the language that you use in communication.  And now that you understand how to communicate and negotiate in your relationships, that is all you have left to do.  So I hope you do a good job of it and are able to use it to get the love life of your dreams.  And if you have any questions or would like to consult with me about anything, please feel free to reach out.  And if you are looking to cultivate more communication and relationship development skills I recommend getting a copy of my book True Life Relationships Social & Sexual Mastery System by Brian Krall on Amazon, and also checking out the True Life Relationships website at www.TrueLifeDevelopment.com/TrueLifeRelationships which has lots of free resources for you as well as some great next level relationship development programs.  And otherwise good luck on your journey.

 

 

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