The Social Science Of How To Get Your Ideal Mates – On “Sexual Selection” and “Mating Strategy”
Alright now its time to talk about everyone’s favorite subject: Sex!!! Unless you’re a nun, in which case you do not like sex and are celibate…but should still probably read this article so as to prevent yourself from falling into complete ignorance about human sexuality, which just so happens to be the ONLY thing perpetuating the human species, in case you didn’t already know that…
And so what I want to talk about today is the good old fashioned Social Darwinism and the Evolutionary Psychology of Sexual Selection Strategy. Which is very hardcore stuff, and can even be controversial, so if you are not prepared to get hardcore into human sexuality, you’d best ready yourself….
Ok so the first thing I am going to address is the ONE KEY FACTOR OF ATTRACTION.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking. Wait, there’s not just one factor of attraction, there are a lot of things that attract me to a potential romantic partner. Right?
So why did I say there was one key factor?
Because there is. As many things as you think come into play in your choosing a mate, they all tie in with just one thing.
For you must understand why it is that we mate. Do you know why we mate?
Not because it feels better than any other pleasure you can possibly have. Not because of this thing called LOVE. No. Actually those aspects of mating are really just evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology giving us reasons why sex should be the highest instinctual human drive in a way that will matter to us more than anything else. Because think about it, if your nervous system wasn’t stimulated with sensory pleasure, and your brains chemistry wasn’t stimulated with emotional pleasure…would anyone have sex? No. But you see these two factors of sexuality are only byproducts of the real fundamental reason why sex is so important, and why people mate.
So what is this reason? To perpetuate the human species of course!
Its that simple. And so keeping that in mind we will now continue on with the topic of Attraction, and the main factor of attraction.
So if the main reason we have sex is to perpetuate the species. Then what could possibly be the cause of attraction? Do you have any idea?
Well, attraction is caused by seeing a member of the species who appears to be an ideal subject for replicating and perpetuating the species with. We are genetically wired by evolutionary psychology to feel attraction when we see an ideal candidate for helping with the perpetuation of the human race.
So what then is the main factor of attraction? The main factor, no matter what your “type” or how you experience attraction, is HEALTH! People are attracted to what their brain considers to be a healthy mate. That is the bottom line.
So if you are a man who is attracted to petite thin blondes with fair skin, its because this makes them look youthful which portrays good health and that they are ideal for replication, based on how your brain is evolutionary wired.
However if you are a man who likes tan skin, dark hair, and women who are curvy appear to be fit and slightly muscular, it is because their darker skin will hide blemishes and imperfections, again showing them to be healthy, and their body type is fit for survival and also child bearing, thus making them an ideal sexual partner.
If you are a man who likes black women who are on the thicker side and have a bigger buttocks, this is because fat retention is an indicator of survival in tribal culture, as it means the person has energy reserves to live off of, and even some tribes will have big buttocks because of the fact that they store fat there, and so the larger buttocks is one of the signs of an ideal mate. And therein it is this survival characteristic that you are genetically wired to instinctively be attracted to and want to pass on to your offspring.
So you see whether you like women who are fair skinned and small, or dark skinned and thick, it is all based on what your brain instinctually deems healthy based on the evolutionary psychology of natural sexual selection.
Now as for women, if you are a woman who likes the big, strong, muscular, alpha male type, this is of course a no brainer. These men are bound to succeed in the survival of the fittest contest that is life on earth. And so you find yourself attracted to these men because your brain feels rest assured that your offspring with them will be similarly fit for survival.
If you are a woman however who finds herself turned on by men who are not brutish, but who are thoughtful, intelligent, sophisticated, successful in business, and use the power of their mind to get ahead in life and place themselves at the top of social hierarchy’s through sociopolitical strategy, this is because it is that kind of mental/personal power that you find to be most important for survival and want your children inheriting these traits.
So no matter what set of features you look for, it is all based on how health and that good old fashioned Darwinian natural selection, and what you instinctively feel is good for replicating and the perpetuation of our species.
Now some of you may be thinking “what if I do not want children? Obviously my brain knows that, its the one thinking it!” Haha, well yes. But whether or not you want children sexuality is still a mental program based on replication, and all of the information having to do with sexual processes, be it sensory input, emotions, or instincts, is still rooted in the concept of replicating and whether or not this partner is a positive match for conceiving offspring with.
But what does this all mean to me and how I can improve my sex life? You are probably wondering…
Well that’s where this really gets interesting (or goes from interesting to even more interesting haha).
You see many people out there find themselves having the problem of not being satisfied with their sexual partners. You may be entertaining romantic partners you are attracted to at first, sure. But in the long run things oftentimes do not work out. You just do not find yourself romantically satisfied by the people you date. And you will often wonder why you are not finding the romantic fulfillment with these partners, and why you are not getting romantic partners that are good enough. The fact is that most relationships do not work out, and most people are left wanting to improve the quality of the people they date. Don’t you always think to yourself “the next person I date is going to be much better” when you get out of a relationship? No one ever gets out of a relationship saying to themselves, “I broke up with that person because they were too good for me, and I need to find someone worse for me.” No. You stop seeing someone because you think that you can do better, and frequently I imagine (if you are having a healthy social/dating life like you should that is, and if you are not then you should really use True Life Relationships to educate yourself on how you can improve it immediately!). Because it is important to have high standards, and if you find that your not dating people who are as good as you want, you either need to raise your standards, or find ways of dating people who better meet your high standards.
So here is where I finally get into the sexual selection process and strategy behind it. In this we will be talking about two main forms of sexual selection strategy:
1.) Short term mating strategy
and 2.) Long term mating strategy
Now some of you out there may be thinking something like “Oh I am not looking for short term partners, I’m only looking for long term, I want to find “The One””, or maybe your one of those religious types saying “Its wrong to only think about short term, people shouldn’t be just hooking up”. Well you are certainly entitled to your opinion if you do think that, but I am here as an evolutionary psychologist, to tell you that you are WRONG. From a psychological standpoint it is just not mentally healthy to only think in terms of all or nothing. Just because a person is not thinking about marriage doesn’t mean they shouldn’t date and have a healthy social life. And just because a person is not thinking about long term doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life is of the utmost importance to being a mentally healthy and successful person in life. Humans are social animals, and you cannot neglect dating and having romance in your life just because you are not READY for “Love” and serious long term relationships.
And whats more is that you cannot get ready for “Love” and serious long term relationships unless you have already had a healthy dating/romance life based upon short term mating strategy. People who go into marriage from a place of social scarcity and social ineptness and romantic inexperience cannot have healthy relationships, much less fulfilling ones.
However, with that being said, let us continue with the lesson on sexual selection.
So short term mating strategy is very important when you are younger. This is a very important part of growing up and entering adulthood, but can of course even continue into ones 30’s or even 40’s. This is generally characterized by a sexual selection process that is not done for replication or “serious” long term relationships, and thus does not take into consideration the same qualities you would want for such a relationship. Some people do not think about having kids until it is almost “too late”, and theres nothing wrong with that. Everyone has their own replication schedule. (And of course some people do not ever want to replicate at all, but may want long term relationships at some point in their life, in which case the sexual selection process of these relationships will then also be long term mating strategy.)
But generally speaking, short term mating strategy is much more superficial in nature, and oftentimes is entirely based upon physical qualifications. Because you do not need to worry about whether or not your sexual partners are qualified enough to marry and parent your children, but you are really just looking to be a healthy social/sexual animal, you will have a much easier time selecting your prospective sexual partners. So while there is often some form of social rapport and mental/emotional connection you will need to have with the person in order to fully experience arousal, the qualities you look for are mainly physical. And while this may seem superficial to some out there, it is actually quite a meaningful and important part of human life and your personal development and gaining of life experience. As I said before, having a healthy and active sexual/romance life is of the utmost importance for your mental health, and developing as a human being.
Now long term mating strategy generally occurs after one has experienced short term mating to a fulfilling degree, and now finds themselves looking for “more” than just a healthy active social/sexual life, and surface level romance. They are looking for that deeper psychological (and sometimes even spiritual) connection with other human beings, and the possibility of even perhaps being monogamous with one person for the rest of their life (though there is certainly nothing wrong with polygamy or whatever type of relationship model you follow – the point is that you are looking for more than just short term sexual connections). This generally occurs from around the age of 30 (give or take five years) and on. And long term mating strategy is oftentimes done more for the purpose of things such as marriage and child bearing.
However, even if you are not looking to get married and have kids, you still may want longer term more “serious” romantic relationships, and so while people may often maintain their physical standards (or they should at least), these will have slightly less emphasis than before, and they will begin to place more emphasis on the mental/emotional (and spiritual) connection. They may find that their screening process and ways in which they get to know their potential romantic partners changes, becoming more elaborate and taking things into consideration that they did not before, such as the persons lifestyle, career, goals, etc. And many other aspects of their character and personality. They may (hopefully) find that their standards have gone up, and they actually now have trouble finding proper suitors. This is oftentimes frustrating to a lot of people a lot of times, when dating before was really just fun, now it is much more serious and you find yourself being more critical and getting disappointed more easily and upset at the lack of proper suitors.
People in this form of sexual selection may take longer getting to know the person before allowing themselves to get sexually/emotionally involved because of the fact that they do not want to invest in someone who will end up being a waste of time and energy, or get tied to the wrong person who could compromise their long term survival and replication process. You may find that dating seems more like a task now, but in the end this long term mating strategy has much greater rewards than the short term mating strategy, due to the exponentially higher level of sexual and emotional fulfillment it allows, not to mention of course the eventual perpetuation of your blood lines and genetic codes.
So obviously both of these have pros and cons to them, as I’m sure you can plainly see. However some of you may be looking at one or the other and feeling as though it is unfavorable, and that the other one is the favorable choice to you. Which of course is a valid opinion I am sure. However, instead of completely forgoing one for the other, I must advise you that you can very well combine the two mating strategies into one sexual selection process taking both short term and long term potential into consideration with all of your romantic prospects. This is slightly more complicated and is somewhat of a balancing act, but is a method employed by some of the most successful daters out there who end up in some of the happiest relationships.
Now allow me to illustrate how sexual selection and mating strategy can take place in an ideal way, as I both teach as a social scientist, and even employ in my own personal dating life and social practices. You see I am of the type who is open to both short and long term relations. So when I am out looking for “potential suitors”, obviously a healthy attractive appearance comes first and foremost, but then once I have located a suitable partner based on the physical criteria I look for, then I can begin to assess whether they could possibly be more than just short term or not. Now this of course is always an ongoing process throughout even a long term relationship, but I will describe to you how I implement it at the beginning to delineate whether they have short or long term potential from the get go.
So the girl appears healthy and attractive, and that is great. But she is probably on the younger side, as most attractive women are, and so I have to find out if she is actually healthy, or if her youthful appearance is deceiving. And when I say healthy I mean in two different kinds of ways one can be healthy that you must screen for:
and 2.) Mentally
Lets first deal with the Mental health screening process. Now if I am talking to a girl I obviously have to be looking for red flags that she is not entirely mentally healthy. If any red flags appear I must abandon ship immediately, because even in an extremely short term scenario these can be highly detrimental. These can be signs of her being overly emotional, irrational, antisocial, or perhaps just lacking in mental faculties. Now if a girl is mentally healthy but just happens to not be of the highest intelligence level that is fine, because you can certainly have a healthy short term relationship with someone lacking in intellectual faculty as long as they are mentally healthy. You just will not expect for them to be long term prospects due to their lack of ability to connect on deeper levels and provide emotional and other mental forms of fulfillment in a serious relationship. However as long as they have other qualities to make up for it dating someone who is not the most intelligence can still be fun. And of course there are different types of intelligence as well, and the most important type for short term mating strategy is social intelligence, so as long as she has social intelligence you are fine.
However lets say that I am connecting with a girl more significantly and we are building rapport due to her mental faculties being up to par and well matched with my own, and she seems to have that thing called “inner beauty” and that we may have that deeper connection that allows for long term potential. Well here I need to screen more for physical health then, because again, a girl who is healthy at the age of 20, may be a different story at the age of 40. And I have dated women who are 40 who still have the physique of a 20 year old, because of the fact that they either have good genes or take care of themselves or both. However I have met women who were 35 and look like they are closer to 60 because they do not. So assuming that her good genes have produced her good looks, I need to guage how well she takes care of herself in order to assess what her health will be like when she gets into her 30’s and 40’s (and thus how much she will retain her beauty, because obviously you need more than just inner beauty to keep a monogamous relationship going for more than a decade, you need someone who is going to continue to be physically attractive and sexually arousing to you over time, and not only that but have long term survival and replication value for evolutionary biological purposes).
So this is where I will screen her for health issues (not by asking inappropriate questions but just by continuing to build rapport and see what information comes up, because believe me it will) and scrutinize her appearance very closely to look for early signs of health loss that will occur over time, such as fatty deposits or minor wrinkles, which really shouldn’t be occurring until she is in her late 30’s, but some women will start to get in their mid 20’s, which is a very strong indication that they are not a good long term mate. If there are no such obvious “tells” I will also do things like find out if she lives a healthy lifestyle, if she eats healthy foods (which make a HUGE difference in how a girl looks as she makes her way into her late 20’s), and perhaps even find out what her mother looks like (who is probably in her 50’s and would be a great gauge of what I am in for down the road). If I find that a girl who happens to take her beauty for granted and goes out to the bars every night after work with her friends drinking, smokes cigarettes, and eats mainly fast food, and doesn’t seem to care about healthy practices, I know that within the next decade her health will be deteriorating and there will be serious signs of physical wear and tear and loss of her good looks. Then she is probably not good long term potential and will not poss the long term mating strategy selection process unless her lifestyle habits and health practices happen to change during our short term courtship.
I have seen many women who are exiting high school and are of the highest level of beauty by any standards, but take their beauty for granted and abuse their health by eating all of the wrong foods and drinking/smoking too much, and oftentimes in as little as five years or sometimes less, they look like an entirely different person and have lost all of their beauty. These types of women will oftentimes accuse you of being superficial for leaving them due to their loss of physical attractiveness, but the fact is that that is just not true. The evolutionary psychology of physical attraction is extremely meaningful, as is the nature of ones lifestyle and health practices. If a person does not take good care of their body they simply do not have long term survival and replication value, and so you cannot expect them to raise healthy offspring, much less have a healthy intimate relationship with you. For if you are a strong person in a relationship with a weak person, there is going to be an imbalance between the give and the take in the relationship, and you will be the one offering value and they will be the ones sucking it from you. So it is important that you do not compromise your standards of the healthy physique that allows for the physical beauty which indicates feelings of attraction and security in mating with the person.
Now many people who do not have long term potential for one reason or another may be great people in their own ways, and again, you should not discount them as short term suitors, and you never know, they may turn into longer term suitors. I have met many girls who were a lot of fun, who didn’t seem like they were long term prospects, but I hoped they might be. Most of them don’t end up being so, however sometimes I end up finding out new information about them that lets me know that they are, or sometimes their lifestyle changes as they continue to grow over time. This is why short term mating strategy is important for long term mating strategy, as it oftentimes gives way to it.
So now I’m sure you have a very good understanding of those fundamental concepts now. But what are some other criteria for ideal sexual partners that you need to screen for in your selection process?
Well, aside from being physically and mentally healthy, ideal mates:
-Are fashionable and well groomed (grooming is very important in evolutionary psychology as well)
-Are intelligent (you know…as is necessary for survival in the traditional natural environment…perhaps less in this day and age, but of course intelligence is still important for success in any aspect of life)
-Are valuable members of society with status or value that is readily apparent without their trying to display it or impress others
-Have pursuits and are successful and self actualized in their life, have the lifestyle that they want and are happy with it (this will be very readily apparent)
-Are self aware (they know who they are as a person) and are honest and congruent in their behaviors (when talking with them you know that they are being genuine and acting natural to who they are) and thus they are trustworthy.
-Are confident (have an internally validated sense of self worth that you can trust in)
-Have a positive personality and good attitude due to being happy with who they are and are oftentimes self amused and humorous due to their level of happiness
-Have “social proof” (other people in their social network or circle who appear to favor them socially) and are socially intelligent and able to communicate, interact and relate effectively with others, and are able to not only make relationships work but already have an abundant social life
-Are interesting and fun due to their mastery in life (if you find someone who complains about being bored and doesn’t live a very active life, and doesn’t have much value or mastery in the world otherwise they would be self-entertaining, and you can expect to be the giver of value and entertainment in that relationship)
-Are pre-selected by the opposite sex and their sexual value is apparent due to having a number of “options” (besides you, and this may seem counter-intuitive due to the jealousy factor, but trust me, if you start dating someone who doesn’t have any other options besides you, you will soon find out exactly why – because they are low value!)
-Are sexually comfortable, liberated, active (or at least healthy and capable) and most of all skilled (thus able to express themselves effectively, be mature about sexuality, have comfortable sexual interactions, and please their partners)
-Are able to conceive, raise and support children
-Not too available or too easy to get (they are busy because they have lives)
-Not promiscuous (because you know…STD’s…there’s a difference between being pre-selected/having options and being sexually capable and being undiscriminating and “over active” so be sure to watch out for that distinction)
Now I understand that this may seem like a tall order…and it is! But obviously there lies some room for compromise. If your dating someone who is younger and not entirely self actualized and successful in society yet, but is at least working on it and on their way there, you are certainly in the clear. But if you are dating someone who has potential but is being held back by their own bad habits, that is a problem. Anyways it is up to you to integrate these criteria into your own sexual screening and selection process, along with your own personal criteria as well, and know when and where you can compromise while still expecting to be able to have a healthy relationship with your prospect. The amount of compromise you make will of course have to do with whether you are dealing with short term or long term mating strategy. The shorter term prospects can be given more compromise, while the longer term you are looking for the more strict about these standards you must be.
Now some of you out there may be reading this and thinking to yourselves, but I am not as healthy, attractive, or successful as I would like to be! Perhaps this has even been a bit offensive or depressing for you to read, and if so then I am sorry. But don’t worry! Attractiveness can be cultivated through Personal Development! That is the whole reason why I started “True Life Development” and “True Life Relationships”! I was not an attractive of socially popular child going into middle school but I learned very quickly that I could change that. And I lost my health when in my mid 20’s and was able to correct that as well. It is the abilities I found to greatly improve myself and have amazing success in life that caused me to want to start this company so that I could help others which actually caused me to become very successful in dating/mating too! So if you are worried that you do not have a very good self image or are not as successful in society as you would like both in life and in dating, be sure to check out my general personal development course “The Power Of You” here by clicking this link here now. It is a master course that will take you through all the different tiers of personal development, from physical health to psychology to success training, to help you to self actualize and become the ultimate version of yourself that will be most attractive to your potential mates.
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And otherwise good luck with your search for your ideal mates!